Forget by Truths

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Submission Name: Forget dots

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Author:	Truths_Seal
ASL Info:	16, male
Elite Ratio:	2.46 - 2/3/3
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	76
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	611

Description:
Jumbled thoughts in the process of making this one.

So the meaning of it is how you interpret it.

Forget

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The sky starts to cry,
The tears I can't spill.
So numb and emotionless,
This shell of my former self.

Meaningful quarrels,
All affect me the same.
Your expressions of feeling,
Never reach me.

I try to relate,
But this shell is too restricting.
I can't break through it,
I don't want to.

It protects,
From pain and torment.
It shields,
From hate and rejection.

I am dependent,
On invisible barriers.
I can't let go,
Forget me.

Submitted on 2007-10-07 23:48:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
now i am going to give you a line-by-line critique. this will be brutal. so brace yourself.

"The sky starts to cry,"

an opener sets the mood for the entire poem. this opener tells me that i am not going to like this poem. it will be your generic let-me-cry-on-your-shoulder poem that many teenagers write today thinking that it's going to be original. prove me wrong with the rest of this. this doesn't give me any imagery. it was a nice shot, but no. it's been done. give me something else.

"The tears I can't spill."

first of all, if this was the end of the sentence, there would be no comma at the end of "cry". it would be "the sky starts to cry/the tears i can't spill." see? it flows a lot better.
content-wise? we know that the sky is crying, why bother mention tears? you're just digging yourself a huge grave that is nearly impossible to climb out of.

"So numb and emotionless,"

exactly WHAT is so numb and emotionless? you? the sky? TELL US MORE. GIVE US INFORMATION. poetry, to most people anyway, is art in the form of words. art has rules just like everything else. some may be bended, some can't be. you can experiment with that, but this is going against all principles. you aren't painting a visual picture. give me images. i want to see things!

"This shell of my former self."

try saying this poem out loud. it doesn't sound normal. it's not how someone would usually talk. you're mixing grammar around to make you sound more profound when really you just sound more like an imbecile.

"Meaningful quarrels,
All affect me the same."

same as i said before; there would be no comma at the end of "quarrels". there is no need to endstop all of your lines. mix up your linebreaks. have fun with them! linebreaks are very important tools in poetry and they can be your best friend or your worst enemy. become friends with your linebreaks. it makes things a lot easier.

all in all, it was a boring poem. it provided no imagery, it had incorrect grammar and punctuation, and it was cliché beyond all reason. please try again.

here, read this: http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/original-poetry-lyrics/a-guide-to-the-art-of-poetry-new-and-improved/t.27966773/

it will help you if you read it.
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Passy | [ Reply to This ]
One should be careful for depressing poems , most people find it difficult to relate, It feels like your focusing to much on this shell and barriers, it feels like this poem does not have meaning, its not speaking to me.

I like the way you used words and know with a bit of practice you will write much better

| Posted on 2007-10-08 00:00:00 | by Polydectes | [ Reply to This ]

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