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Breath of life


Author: Static Scream
ASL Info:    17/m/Russian(in Mid East)
Elite Ratio:    6.81 - 14 /6 /10
Words: 107
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 959
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 695



Description:


Darkness in this holds no negative connotations.


Breath of life



The endless nothing, all foreboding
Envelopes you with gentle arms
An octave plays, oh so melodic
It welcomes you to breathe of life

Up by the crown there's a ladder
Belonged to Jakob it once has,
And birds of song, with notes unheard of,
Play melodies that have no sound

There's mist surrounding an island
Where dreams do swirl before our eyes
And in the mirage of our mind
We glimpse the first rays of sunrise

One breath is all it takes, one,
Where chaos hides behind the lies
Only one step, one more to the darkness
And lo, behold, you are alive




Submitted on 2007-10-08 13:46:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I love the ending... it all comes together in a breathtaking single thought.

Very eloquent and stylish writing.
| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
  The endless nothing, [all] foreboding
Envelopes you with gentle arms

i dont think you need [all] in this line at all. you could remove it and place a [,] after foreboding.



Up by the crown there is a ladder
belonged to Jakob it once [has
An birds] of song, with notes [unheard of
Play melodies] that have no sound

has an birds doesnt work. it doesnt make sense... im not sure whether your intention was 'once had birds of song' or 'once was and birds of song' but in its current state it makes no sense...

with notes unheard of play melodies is also somewhat incorrect. perhaps 'playing melodies' would work better...?

[Theres] mist [surroding] an island = there's/surrounding


One breath is all it [took takes], one = you dont need both took/takes... perhaps lose 'took'?



all up i think the creation of this piece and the ideas you allude to are well done. i think you could maybe be a little clearer on your over all point but i think you have made a good attempt... a few little things to tighten up though

| Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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