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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Breath of lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Static Scream
    ASL Info:    17/m/Russian(in Mid East)
    Elite Ratio:    6.81 - 14/6/10
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 146
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 695



    Description:
       Darkness in this holds no negative connotations.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBreath of lifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The endless nothing, all foreboding
    Envelopes you with gentle arms
    An octave plays, oh so melodic
    It welcomes you to breathe of life

    Up by the crown there's a ladder
    Belonged to Jakob it once has,
    And birds of song, with notes unheard of,
    Play melodies that have no sound

    There's mist surrounding an island
    Where dreams do swirl before our eyes
    And in the mirage of our mind
    We glimpse the first rays of sunrise

    One breath is all it takes, one,
    Where chaos hides behind the lies
    Only one step, one more to the darkness
    And lo, behold, you are alive




    Submitted on 2007-10-08 13:46:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the ending... it all comes together in a breathtaking single thought.

    Very eloquent and stylish writing.
    | Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      The endless nothing, [all] foreboding
    Envelopes you with gentle arms

    i dont think you need [all] in this line at all. you could remove it and place a [,] after foreboding.



    Up by the crown there is a ladder
    belonged to Jakob it once [has
    An birds] of song, with notes [unheard of
    Play melodies] that have no sound

    has an birds doesnt work. it doesnt make sense... im not sure whether your intention was 'once had birds of song' or 'once was and birds of song' but in its current state it makes no sense...

    with notes unheard of play melodies is also somewhat incorrect. perhaps 'playing melodies' would work better...?

    [Theres] mist [surroding] an island = there's/surrounding


    One breath is all it [took takes], one = you dont need both took/takes... perhaps lose 'took'?



    all up i think the creation of this piece and the ideas you allude to are well done. i think you could maybe be a little clearer on your over all point but i think you have made a good attempt... a few little things to tighten up though

    | Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]



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