Breath of life

Author: Static Scream ASL Info:    17/m/Russian(in Mid East) Elite Ratio:    6.81 - 14 /6 /10 Words: 107

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 1029 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 695

Description:

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Breath of life

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The endless nothing, all foreboding Envelopes you with gentle arms An octave plays, oh so melodic It welcomes you to breathe of life Up by the crown there's a ladder Belonged to Jakob it once has, And birds of song, with notes unheard of, Play melodies that have no sound There's mist surrounding an island Where dreams do swirl before our eyes And in the mirage of our mind We glimpse the first rays of sunrise One breath is all it takes, one, Where chaos hides behind the lies Only one step, one more to the darkness And lo, behold, you are alive

Submitted on 2007-10-08 13:46:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

I love the ending... it all comes together in a breathtaking single thought. Very eloquent and stylish writing.

| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]

The endless nothing, [all] foreboding Envelopes you with gentle arms i dont think you need [all] in this line at all. you could remove it and place a [,] after foreboding. Up by the crown there is a ladder belonged to Jakob it once [has An birds] of song, with notes [unheard of Play melodies] that have no sound has an birds doesnt work. it doesnt make sense... im not sure whether your intention was 'once had birds of song' or 'once was and birds of song' but in its current state it makes no sense... with notes unheard of play melodies is also somewhat incorrect. perhaps 'playing melodies' would work better...? [Theres] mist [surroding] an island = there's/surrounding One breath is all it [took takes], one = you dont need both took/takes... perhaps lose 'took'? all up i think the creation of this piece and the ideas you allude to are well done. i think you could maybe be a little clearer on your over all point but i think you have made a good attempt... a few little things to tighten up though

| Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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