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    dots Submission Name: Emptiness Eternaldots

    Author: emoxday
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 113/123/144
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 593
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1268

       Took me awhile to write this one. enjoy.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEmptiness Eternaldots

    emptiness eternal
    withering souls; moonless nights
    hollows awaken to your angelic voice

    every step I take, brings me farther down;
    trapped to the earth, I can't confess my infatuation for your lovely heart

    ghostly illusions;
    is that all I see of you
    come closer, let me caress your beauty
    let me inhale your essence
    let me be with you evermore

    enchanting you are; bring forth the night
    I want to embraces you, eternally;
    shrouded in darkness I'm what you fear,
    step closer, just one step more
    be with me always;

    the clock is ticking, you are slowly fading away;
    please don't fade away from me,
    I can't be alone anymore;
    If you do, I will surely perish
    please don't leave me again

    you are the phantom of my memory;
    the beauty that left me long ago,
    please don't leave me, love
    you did and it damned me

    another specter in my lost memory;
    living this pain forever,
    why did you leave me so long ago?
    emptiness eternal; I'm the darkness,
    the shadows, that leave you feeling

    Submitted on 2007-10-08 23:21:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First off,
    I found it very interesting that you never once punctuated with a period. Your poem flows like one long run on sentence especially with all you semi-colons. Think the poem could do with out that punctuation scheme and just stay with commas as natural breaks or have no punctuation at all. Or go back and punctuate the whole thing.
    I also noticed that nothing was capitalized which, I believe gave it a much more thoughtful flow. Though I did catch that the 'If' in the 5th stanza was capitalized. Was that intentional or just a typo?
    Then within your 6th stanza, I find it intriguing that you would be yearning to keep at least an afterimage of the person you have lost, because the real thing has gone. I found that to be a very moving point.
    Overall the play of memory and seeing memory was very well done.
    Though, In my opinion, I really like structure within poems and I thought that the way the stanzas seemed almost to randomly change the number of lines a bit distracting. I would like to see this poem have a set scheme of stanza lines.
    | Posted on 2007-10-08 00:00:00 | by Jakirina | [ Reply to This ]

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