Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Afflicted Apperception Assemblydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    22/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.66 - 167/183/82
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 228
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 888



    Description:
       this sucks

    with love,

    Keegan


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfflicted Apperception Assemblydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Can you feel the echoes pass between us?
    Like walls encase a canyon, we are distanced.
    And I feel that breeze constantly remind me
    that you are far too far to ever comfort me.

    And I need that distance to close.

    I cant stand the thought of you so far out,
    I have to glance up skyward to see you now.
    And it seems so far away, I'd walk days and days
    and days, and never feel your embrace.

    Can you close this distance darling?
    Can you bring yourself to me?
    My feet seem rooted in concrete,
    I need someone to save me.

    I feel hours pass like decades in a freezer,
    the sun just pours with time, a humid heater
    and I know that all this waiting while I sweat
    is so damn far from being over yet.

    And I need that distance to close.




    Submitted on 2007-10-09 20:53:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i do so very much love this :)
    brilliant.
    | Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by autumnflame | [ Reply to This ]
      i cannot work out whether she is dead or whether she is in the same room as you but so far away she may as well be...

    i think you need to try put something more concrete in this piece to weight it a little. to give it more substance. so that the reader isnt drawing straws in hopes they get the correct intention of this piece.


    the idea of someone being there but being so far away has been done before and so if you are going to make it work you have to find a completely new way to sell it... give the reader something theyve never seen before so they dont think youre copy catting. this is easier said than done.


    your repetition of the stand alone line is very effective.


    im thinking, if this is based on true events, that neither one of you can bridge the gap on your own... it has to be a team effort... both meeting half way or something to that effect...

    good luck.
    | Posted on 2007-10-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    150869



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry