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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitled.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: uncertainty
    ASL Info:    18.f.a better place.
    Elite Ratio:    5.06 - 3/2/2
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 97
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1116



    Description:
       my first (real) write for eliteskills. i generally dont write in stanzas or use 1st or 2nd person, but then, i havent written in a while..
    i'd try changing "if you" to "acting as" maybe,
    general thoughts or tips on writing points of improvement, i dont take things personally, thanks for any feedback
    -peace, and stay well


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitled.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    i must find better ways to spend my time
    then trudging through subconscious vines
    lingering feelings of thoughts divine
    lifting arid sights of mine

    but alas, it's broken, this chain of bounty
    the levels of prudence i was counting,
    fatigued, fall all measured fountains
    of loveless rejoice, the farce amounting

    bleeding cupids solely lie
    upon the solid tests of eye
    sullen arrows, broken, bent
    a mocking only of heart's content

    swift sliding toward socialism, seen
    through uncannily wary and vacant dreams
    no picturesque windows of placid scenes,
    there is no peace, if you act as queen.

    for whose pulse is it, but our own?
    the covetous mindsets we have grown?
    lusting totality we've been shown,
    through no society we have known

    what end to inconsequential plight
    of self-submerged consciousness of mind?
    the dowry of vivid and worthy sight
    an embrace of the innocent opening of life.




    Submitted on 2007-10-09 21:28:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well writing advice:

    1. The rhyme is not forced nice job for that cause usually many do that. But you can reduce the rhyme and go in for more what you want to say. Poems need not always rhyme.

    2. TEll me if i am right. The thing that i felt while reading this is there is riot going on ouside and you are at a window looking at the poeple and feeling pathetic of how humans live.

    3. Make sure you have a title. It will be appropiate. Have the subject as what are you looking or feeling so that the poem is intense enough.

    4. My view of all poems. Sadism so take these points if you like em
    | Posted on 2007-10-10 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well written.. You did really great with the rhythm and rhyme through out. I'm not sure what it is about..but I find it thought provoking. Great job.
    Love and Peace,
    lynn
    | Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by lynn7 | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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