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    dots Submission Name: I promise (mommy and daddy!!!)dots

    Author: black rose13
    ASL Info:    16/f/where do I live?
    Elite Ratio:    1.35 - 137/97/39
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 836
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 964


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI promise (mommy and daddy!!!)dots

    take a deep breath
    and choose love or death
    for which i cant decide
    it all depends on you

    i'm nothing like what you read
    i dont need someone telling me what i should be
    i dont need the pills to make me go into a fantasy
    (i'm nothing like what you read)

    no matter how much you reasearch
    you'll never understand
    that all i need from you.....
    is to let me know that you'll be there for me
    so for which......

    i promise to you that i'll make you proud
    i promise to you that i'll never make you scream loud
    i promise to you that this razor will never drag along this skin
    i promise to you that i will never act like i have been

    all of my mistakes i've done
    i wish they would all be gone
    but now i promise to you
    that you came to my rescue.

    Submitted on 2007-10-10 18:40:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. It is a great piece.
    | Posted on 2008-03-18 00:00:00 | by Depression420 | [ Reply to This ]
      i absolutly love it. this poem truely means so much to me and i can relate incredibley. i am adding it to my faves and i hope you keep this amazing writing up!
    | Posted on 2007-11-21 00:00:00 | by Nessyjane | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very touching. I love this compromise - "I'll make you happy that I'm your child, as long as you promise to always care for me." This is what I got from this poem. I really hope that was your goal in this piece, otherwise I am completely lost.

    All I have in the problems department is the grammatical things and one confusing section, so I'll bring both of those up.

    1.) The last stanza confuses me greatly.

    "but now i promise to you
    that you came to my rescue."

    I'm dangling here - can you finish the sentence? Right now you have a big-time fragment, and this poem is really missing that conclusion that it desperately needs.

    2.) You used 1 (one) end-of-sentence (ellipses do not count) punctuation. Unless this was a piece of work that you came up with and did not have the time to edit, it would be really great to have some punctuation. It makes your work pretty :).

    3.) Please...capitalize your I's as well as the places (like in the title) that need it as well. There are too many instances to single out just one, so I'll let you decide what needs what.

    Line 3: "cant" needs an apostrophe or made into "am unable" or "cannot"

    Line 9: "reasearch" is spelt "research"
    Criticism aside, I liked this piece. The compromise that is brought up here is one that should be done by all parents and, quite frankly, it is not that difficult to accomplish. Thank you for showing that to me and thank you for writing this piece. I hope that you will continue to write.

    Have a good day,
    Cirruculum (TK)
    | Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
      It's nice to no that your parents will be parents and will be there for you. Sometimes it's hard for them to even see that something is wrong. They don't realize how badly you need them. It's a very good write and one I can relate to. Good job. ^-^ I hope to read more of your awesome work soon

    | Posted on 2007-10-10 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it.
    You have a lot of talent, and it really shows.
    I like your writing style.
    Keep doing your thing.
    | Posted on 2007-10-10 00:00:00 | by IndependentGirl | [ Reply to This ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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