Description: As "nomad knight" suggests, I am somewhat of a romantic when it comes to chivalry, love, and what it means to be noble. This is mainly what i refer to with "ideals" and "beliefs."
I wrote this up during the beginning of my english class so touch ups may be needed. Any feed back or comments you care to leave would be appreciated.
The title of this poem is actually the screen name (excludeing the numbers in it) of a dear friend of mine who, like his sn suggests, once shared simular beliefs. however, he no longer really holds such beliefs anymore and his sn is now simply a reminder of who he once was.
This is great. I loved your metaphors the most.
"Sadness grows on a heart like mold'
"the modern world is a thief"
I especially liked the last stanza-
"The modern world is a thief
but I can't change or let go
I think the death of my beliefs
will be the death of my soul."
I loved it. Saying that the modern world is thief was just awesome!!!! I was speechless when I read that line, which my the way adamantly echoes my current frame of mind in a sort of strange way. Additionally, I must say that I also feel as if I were an anachronism in this weird and callous world which is precisely the main idea of one of my latest writes. That's why I can say that I relate to many of the issues you have raised within your piece.
As for stanza 3, I spotted how you might be referring to the way your own family, friends or dear ones have let you down and now you are alone in a fake world. Gosh, everything you say is so touching and moving.... One of the best features of this write is the careful and effective choice of words that can also be referred to as being sharp.
With regards to critiques, I have a couple that could serve the betterment of this write, to put that way. For starter, you might consider modifying or neglecting the last two words in stanza one which sound rather awkward to me.
A second suggestion would be to add some punctuation which is always a must so the reader can breathe as they go through each line. Visual pauses are always needed, to my mind.
And the last thing I'd like to recommend would be to add the word “indeed” at the very end of your piece so as to make even shaper and more telling.
"Will be the death of my soul indeed"
All in all, those are mere suggestions and is up to you to take the in or not.
I really liked reading your poem; it's certainly one of a kind.
Submission Name: Lone Crusader
