Beach by Zai

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Submission Name: Beach dots

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Author:	Zai
ASL Info:	19/m/Snohomish Washington
Elite Ratio:	5.2 - 35/48/43
Words:	69

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	122
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	420

Description:
A 'love poem' for class. Anything unclear or something I can improve on?
Hopefully this isn't coming off as a conventional love poem, but that's just my hope.

Beach

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A breath surrounds me, soft and warm
Pulsing in my veins, placid and stable
Tugging the reins, pulling me out
Out of normal, out of fear,
Into the limelight of what I hold dear

My grin is stupid, wide and tall
Believing most among the storm.
A breath surrounds me, soft and warm
Half before me, half behind
Half of my strength isn’t mine.

Submitted on 2007-10-11 09:46:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
"Half of my strength isn't mine..." like life, right? Because life is like the surf, so give your self up like the sea. One of my favorite films gave me that lesson - Alfonso Cuaron's Y tu Mama Tambien.

To me, life has a lot to do with beauty. There is beauty in everything and life gives us the chance to experience a lot of it. But it can only happen if we are willing to stop thinking about the past and the future and open our eyes to the present - an act that only real poets have the ability to do; an act that you, as exemplified in this piece, have been able to embrace.

Construction-wise, I think that there is room for improvement. It needs more color in a sense that you should find balance between being spontaneous and being careful. But as for the heart of the piece, I think that it is quite rich and impressive.

| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
im not 100% sure what the connection is between the words of your piece and the title...

i think you are a little too vague in this piece. its like you have given me half images and expected me to make a whole picture out of them...

Tugging the reins... i do not know what these reins are that you speak of? they seem out of place and out of context...

out of normal... what does that mean? what is normal? its such an ambiguous word and so i think, if you are going to use it, you need to make sure the reader knows what YOU mean by "normal"

i think you could make this piece clearer but it is a good start.
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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