Suicidal Tendencies by Demon__666

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Submission Name: Suicidal Tendencies dots

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Author:	Demon__666
ASL Info:	18/f/your nightmares
Elite Ratio:	2.45 - 270/315/89
Words:	284

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	225
Average Vote:	2.8333
Bytes:	1641

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Suicidal Tendencies dots

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I never know what goes through my head.
I often think things are better off if i am dead.
So i begin to think of ways to say goodbye, to leave my mark on the world.
I never really want to die its just suicidal tendencies.

I feel that no one would care.
No one ever notices that i am gone.
Why dont i just do them all a favor,
and leave them a sight no one will savor.
The thoughts in my head begin to take shape.
It soon becomes clear whose lives have been fake.

How many cries for help will it take?
How many scars do i have to make?
I feel so outcast even with friends.
Nobody really wants me here ill make it all end.
Oh the things they will say to justify the means.
The only pictures they have are those from happier scenes.

No one ever hears them inside my silent screams.
Asking them all for help but no one hears my plees.
This is how I do things, how I figure things out.
Open up your fucking eyes help me i shout.
But noone ever listens.
They all see a bloody glisten.

Now they'll try to put it all together.
Memories of me they'll all sever.
Everyone will forget.
No candles for me lit.
I asked you all for help.
No one ever cared to ask how i felt.
Im just so depressed.

All of you made me feel like a pest.
So i just let go.
On that beautiful night it snowed.
The fact that i remembered this goes to show.
That i was oh so horribly alone.

Submitted on 2007-10-11 14:45:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I'll always notice when your gone becuse i always sing your song...

I'll look for you in your crys of your fate, i can only hope i'm not to late..

to my most bestest of freind i'm with you as i hope you are with me...

becuse with out you i'm a bob with no builder and well thats just pointless.

I love ya babe and i hope i can help with your horribal lonelieness...

shygirl
over and out
| Posted on 2008-02-25 00:00:00 | by shygirl | [ Reply to This ]
  i really liked this to me it flowed beuatifully, and sure most descriptive words are used a lot but if you put it in a wonderful poem like yours it works. and you never know your grammar errors or punctual errors could have beeen diliberate.^_^

And as for that PASSY lady, (I don't wanna start [censored], even online) but some poeple just need to write to cope or to vent, or to do w/e , and i know i haven't been on this site long 2 days at the most, but i gathered that this is a forum for you to put up your own poems and learn from those who comment you and improve your writing skills, i do think suicide poems are cliché but i write them too, it's all thats on my mind. i can't write happy poems, because i'm not happy. i know everyone is dissing is on her, and i dont mean to conform, but if you are offened by her, don't listen most of us love your poems and i will defienetly be looking out for more poems by you ^_^
| Posted on 2007-11-23 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]
  i would like to invite those who like to critique on grammar usage in poetry to read a couple of e cummings poems. i think the critique should be limited to the content of the poem, not the construction.
| Posted on 2007-11-03 00:00:00 | by zovjraar | [ Reply to This ]
  Noo! Don't contemplate suicide! F*** other people, they're just small minded tossbags. Anyways, if you commit suicide, what the **** am I gonna read!? (just joking on that part, haha!) Anyways, its a good write all the same and I hope to hear more! Shadow (told you I'd return the favour =p heheh)
| Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by Shadow24968 | [ Reply to This ]
  First off, ignore Passy, because it is people like her inside of this world that make people feel like this. I have been bashed from her too, and all I have gotten from her is a stuck up whore that thinks she can write better than anyone.

As for the poem it wasn't cliché', it wasn't a basic angst write. It was true, and pure of emotions. Emotions that hurt, and make one feel hollow, and make people to push them to that point of where they want to die. SO I DON'T KNOW WTF IS EVERYONES DEAL HERE ON ES AND WHAT GIVES EVERYONE THE RIGHT TO THINK THIS IS FOR ATTENTION BECAUSE IT'S NOT. DEPRESSION HURTS. DEPRESSION ILLS A PERSON. AND ALLOWS THEM TO DO IRRATIONAL THING. THEY WRITE THINGS LIKE THIS SO THEY CAN GET PEOPLE TO COMFORT THEM. TO GET REISURANCE.

It sucks when you have no one to listen to you when you need them the most. It hurts as you have witnessed the lack of care and comfort in most when they are supposed to help you instead of give a phony laugh and a phoney sense of comfort by saying I've been there when they really haven't.

Inside of this world you will notice that no one cares about anyone but themselves. And in this desolate diluted place you will be driven to the brink of insanity. Feel alone. Feel helpless. Feel like you're drowning. And all we get is the acknowledgement inside of this senseless in divine world that their is not a tear shed for the ones in need. It's sad..Just [censored] sad. I have to say your writing is good, I was drawn by your name, and I'm happier that I have found someone that writes the similar to mine and has close minded idiots bashing you too, I thought it was just me on this site.

I'm sorry I have turned into a comment of my own vent. So I will carry on in the same vein I was going to start, but I was so angered by the [censored] idiots that posted their non-sense on your page ESPECIALLY PASSY.

You have great dark imagery, and you wrote in fee verse. A couple of typos, but who in the world on this site doesn't make enough of those. I'm sorry you were attacked. It makes me enraged...

| Posted on 2007-10-17 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
  First off, ignore Passy, because it is people like her inside of this world that make people feel like this. I have been bashed from her too, and all I have gotten from her is a stuck up whore that thinks she can write better than anyone.

As for the poem it wasn't cliché', it wasn't a basic angst write. It was true, and pure of emotions. Emotions that hurt, and make one feel hollow, and make people to push them to that point of where they want to die. SO I DON'T KNOW WTF IS EVERYONES DEAL HERE ON ES AND WHAT GIVES EVERYONE THE RIGHT TO THINK THIS IS FOR ATTENTION BECAUSE IT'S NOT. DEPRESSION HURTS. DEPRESSION ILLS A PERSON. AND ALLOWS THEM TO DO IRRATIONAL THING. THEY WRITE THINGS LIKE THIS SO THEY CAN GET PEOPLE TO COMFORT THEM. TO GET REISURANCE.

It sucks when you have no one to listen to you when you need them the most. It hurts as you have witnessed the lack of care and comfort in most when they are supposed to help you instead of give a phoney laugh and a phoney sense of comfort by saying I've been there when they really haven't.

Inside of this world you will notice that no one cares about anyone but themselves. And in this desolute dilluted place you will be driven to the brink of insanity. Feel alone. Feel helpless. Feel like you're drowning. And all we get is the acknowledgement tha
| Posted on 2007-10-17 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
  Silly HTMl.
Not it won't look as good as I had hoped ^-^
Oh, well. my point was valid.
| Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by SeraphimsAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  <center><small>Okay love,
<br>
Where there a few things wrong with the poem? Sure there where.
Grammar
Punctuation
spelling mishaps
and typos.
<br> So yeah there where a few things that could be changed. But was it necessary to pound on the door of someone else's emotions, and tear at them for theis misuse of text.
No.
<br>Not all of us can by typing gods. And not all of us have time to go through and correct everything.
<br>Some of us, have lives, jobs, significant others. And we don't have to waste out time trying to over critique the lives and feelings of others.
<br>This is what she was feeling.
<br>this is what was hurting her.
<br>This is what she wanted to share with you.
<br>This is what you broke.
<br> This is not directed to all of you, for it is quite obvious that you where trying to help. But I'm sure the ones I'm talking to know who they are.
<br> Was Misty being rash, and violent towards the situation?
<br> I don't believe so, those where her thoughts on what she believed you to be doing. And she was trying to help her friend. And there is simply nothing wrong with that.
<br>
For you're time and consideration I thank you.
<br> SeraphimXX

| Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by SeraphimsAngel | [ Reply to This ]

| Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by SeraphimsAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  Passy, Curriculum, and now Whimsical have said nothing out of order. They didn't say, "Oh my God, this is [censored]. Stop writing, loser." Nope. They didn't say that at all. They pointed out what needs to be worked on in this piece.
Demon, I think that (though I'm sure your friend thinks she has your best interest at heart and means well) you should really listen to the crit you've been given.
No, you don't have to punctuate, capitalize, use imagery, rhyme well (or more importantly-consistently), or even use original ideas.
You also don't have to write quality poetry.
About the cursing, Curriculum wasn't saying that cursing is bad in general. That person was saying that if you wish for your poem to go somewhere (as in other people responding well to it) then you might want to reconsider the use of some less "appropriate" words.

The subject matter of this piece is very cliché, and it IS diary material. If you consider this to be your first draft, then emotion abounding is fine. When you revise it worry more about the technicality, meaning, poetic devices, etc. than the emotion you had. You've already infused it into the poem, and a well revised poem will still carry this emotion after it's been rehashed.
If you are simply writing this for your own benefit and do not care if you are taken seriously as a poet, then go ahead and write this sort of thing to your heart's content. Please say as much next time so that we know that you don't need the crit because it's just for your own relief of stress. Don't let the stress build. By all means relieve it. Just let us know not to waste our time telling you how to make it into a quality poem.

No one may be a typo. Doesn't matter. A good way of figuring out that typos are there is for someone to point them out.

And the poem is about suicidal tendencies. It logically follows that someone might go out on a limb and say, "Hey if you do happen to really feel suicidal please seek help." Why is such concern being bashed?

Misty, your temper was completely unnecessary. I understand that you don't want your friend to feel bad about their work. I don't want your friend to feel bad. But to get better one must know what need fixing.

I suggest that if you really do want to improve, Demon, that you should follow the well spoken advice of these people. They have taken time out of their day to give you good, long, detailed feedback as to what you need to do. Take it into account please. Like I said before, though, if you don't care to improve I don't really care, but please let us know.

And if you get offended by any of my advice, Misty, go right ahead and flame me. I really couldn't care less, but I think you should know that we are just being honest. We aren't intending to, what was it? "[Beat] this girl with [our] verbal rant?"
| Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by MinRei | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay, here goes.

While punctuation and capitalization are not held to as religiously by the poetry community as they once were, I find that it helps to add a structure to poetry. The act of creating within the confines of correct grammatical rules is a wonderful "stretching" exercise. So, capitalize "I," beginnings of sentences, and try to adhere to proper punctuation.

The people who are telling you there is no imagery are absolutely correct. You come close in the last stanza. I, for one, would like to know more about the night it snowed. Poetry is about words and stories, in some ways more urgently than prose because you have fewer words in which to convey the image you are presenting.

"Show, don't tell," is perhaps the most over-used criticism, but it is imperative. When a person begins reading your poem, they do not care about you. (Collective you, by the way.) You have to earn the reader's respect and compassion. You do this by drawing them into a story, an idea, an image. You do not do this by screaming out how they don't care about you.

Finally, on the cursing front; make absolutely certain you have earned the right to use an expletive. Words DO lose power with repetition. If you use them too much, you lose the effect you sought.

The only line I liked was "On that beautiful night it snowed," and even that was a cliché. Take the advice you're being given. Tear it apart and re-start. The best artists always know how to kill their darlings.
| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by meerkat whimsy | [ Reply to This ]
  My love, they just [censored]ING <<<( Profanity! do sometihng about it!) attacked you. This site is for 'constructive criticism' not to make a list and an outline of one poem and all its ever blasted mistakes. You people should be ashamed of youself for beating this girl with your verbal 'rant'. Thank you VERY much but this girl, is, and will remain, a POET with or without your consent.
To tell you the truth i agree with a few things. The lines could be broken up, yes, no one is two words, but tell me, do you type [censored]in perfect every time you touch the keys? Prehaps that is a 'typo' or prehaps she just didn't know, either way, i don't like it very much when people BLATANTLY go after your spelling. Granted you should tell them to check the spelling first but spelling is not as important as MEANING. This poem has a meaning, she's feeling down and out and what is more poetic than writing your feelings on paper with a pen rather in your wrists with a shard of glass???
also, and THIS pissed me off, No one has the right to tell someone to stop using a word REGUARDLESS of it's overuse. Crimson, crimson, crimson, crimson, crimson. I agree that the word is over-used, that is beside the point. Also, meter, well one, what does it matter? i don't write in meter and no one really cares anymore. Poetry is not a science, it's an ART. one persons art is nothing like anothers if it is true art. There is a little something called 'creative license. Learn it, live it, respect it. Repetition. I love repetition if it is done right. So you think repetition is boring? read The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot then you tell me about repetition. Therapy poetry??? belongs in a journal??? way to encourage people. I believe that if someone puts their emotions into a poem then [censored] it, post it, tell us, don't abuse the privelege, but don't deny it. And lastly, PASSY, before you try to talk to someone about suicide then you had better make sure you KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are. Before you tell someone to 'get help'. Don't preach to the choir, ok??
oh, i forgot, have you never used Microsoft Word or something? When you write like this with word it ATOMATICALLY capitalizes the first letter of the first word. Just thought you should know.
As for imagery, i saw loads of imagery, it's suicide imagery. Not like you're supposed to write a poem and "BAM, IMAGERY!" it's subtle and takes a little understanding.
There's a little thing called Free Verse. It doesn't flow, it doesn't rhyme, and it has no general structure. Reguardless of wether or not she wanted a rhyme scheme or structure, it can still be considered free verse. Honestly, how do u know she wasn't free versing anyway? I know her in real life and usually she IS FREE VERSING.
Avoid cursing......my God, has censorship eaten even our poets now? It's her F-U-C-K-I-N-G choice if she wants to curse, personally i think that a swear word here and there helps give intensity and passion to a piece, i think i'll go off and write a poem with [censored] in it.

Well, my time is up, the bell is about to ring and i'm about to go home. So to close i would like to stress the importance of Creative License, The avoidance of censorship, and the meaning of constructive criticism. Poets are we. With freedom to choose and to do.

Please note, all those who obsess over capitalization that i didn't capitalize 'i' not once

Now you have been flamed by misty,
Enjoy yourselves today.

P.S. Loved the poem Doll, work on it a bit like i told you in class, and IGNORE those who seek to sound important. I luvs oo << omg! spelling errors!!!!
| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  DON'T CHANGE IT TO THIRD PERSON. IT JUST SOUNDS MORE DESPERATE.

to be technical, i'd just cut the rhymes. it ruins your grammar.

the lack of imagery bothers me beyond all reason. put images in there, even if they're bad. at least it'll be a start. then we'll work from there.
| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Passy | [ Reply to This ]
  ((Per your request, I'll re-edit this in more detail. -TK))

Again, there are still some problems, but much less than the previous time. I'll go into each problem with more detail. Hopefull we can turn this around and make it better.

1.) Let's try changing this from first person to third. I've read that the third person is usually better than third. (Of course, this one is completely optional, it's all up to the writer).

2.) Time for the editing.
(These are assuming that you stay in the first person).

Line 2: Capitalize the I
Line 3: This line does not belong. Quite frankly, if this is poetry about death, you probably don't care about leaving your mark on the world.
Line 4: Semicolon after "die" and make "its" into "it's"
Line 6: Capitalize the I
Line 7: "dont" needs to be "don't" and Capitalize the I.
Line 12: Capitalize the I
Line 14: "ill" = "I'll"
Line 18: "Plees" = "Pleas"
Line 20: Capitalize the I; The profanity is probably unnecessary in this case. Profanity should only be used in extreme poetry. Very few pieces with vulgar language have been popular. This can be reworded:

"Open up your eyes and help me!" I shout.

Line 21: "noone" is not in the dictionary. Should be "no one."
Line 22: Needs to be slightly reworded (as it is a little awkward right now). I'll let you decided what to do here.
Line 25: Try taking out the word "all." It is too wordy at the moment.
Line 29: Capitalize the I.
Line 30: "Im" = "I'm"
Line 32, 34, 35: Abuse the Capitalization.

3.) I'm not going to tell you how to rewrite your paper otherwise. However, I still feel as those some (not all) of the rhymes are forced. Try reading the piece out loud and think about each line and how it affects the next. Does the rhyme make sense, or could it be replaced with something better?

Also, try adding imagery. Again, a poem should draw a picture in the readers mind, even if it is about death.

--------------------------
This will be my last edit of this piece. I hope that it helps.

Have a good day,
Cirruculum (TK)
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
  My biggest irritation with this was actually the lack of imagery.
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by MinRei | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, Passy did quite a job of editing this, so I'll just touch on a few things here and there.

1.) There was not any imagery whatsoever. When you write poetry, even if it is about suicide, you want your reader to feel as if he or she is there. This should be your starting point.

2.) Break this piece into stanzas. It is not the best idea in the world to keep your piece as one consecutive stanza. This can be easily broken up. A few examples would be:

After Line 5: If you do this one, take out the word "Because."

After Line 10.

After Line 21.

3.) EDIT, EDIT, EDIT!!! This piece is loaded with grammitical wrong-doings:

Contractions have an apostrophe in them or can be broken down into their two parts.

(As Passy said), "noone" is not in the dictionary and therefore needs to be put into two words.

4.) Not all poems needs to rhyme. Virtually all of these lines sound forced, and this poem could have more imagery, depth, and voice if you don't restrain yourself to rhyming each line.

5.) Try to avoid cursing. If you want to, keep it off of the internet, and keep it where only you can read it. Quite frankly, we don't want to hear your rantings.

---------------------------
On a slightly happier note, there are a few good things in here, but the horrible far outweigh the few good things going on here.

This is going to require much work to be a high-caliber piece. Nevertheless, keep writing: don't stop because of criticism. That is not what a writer does.

Have a good day,
Cirruculum (TK)

P.S.: Suicide is never the best way to go. Please try to find another way to solve your problems. Try talking to somebody, it may help you feel better.

P.S.S.: If you are not suicidal...forget what I just said.
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
  first of all, if you are going to use any grammar, use it. don't just capitalize the beginning of sentences, capitalize proper nouns, such as "I".

"No one" is two separate words.

The repetition of "suicidal tendencies" was boring and redundant. we don't need it. we get the picture.

please please PLEASE don't ever use the word "crimson" because everyone uses it! find a different word if you can.

your rhymes are annoying, and in order to have successful rhymes in the first place, you need meter. also, you are not consistent with your rhyme scheme. BE CONSISTENT!

you also don't need to endstop all of your lines. be creative with your linebreaks. endstopping it just makes it boring.

this is therapy poetry and should be kept in a journal, since it provided no imagery.

if you are feeling suicidal, i'm sorry to hear that, because i was suicidal too at one point. i was admitted into the hospital because of it and all that junk but i won't go into that. get help.
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Passy | [ Reply to This ]

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