[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: I won't grow up!dots

    Author: Passy
    ASL Info:    15/f/NYC
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 15/8/3
    Words: 272
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1416
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1615

       this was for a challenge i did at another writing forum from the book "haunted" by chuck palahniuk. just one of my things until i can get feedback.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI won't grow up!dots

    "Back in my day," says Lady Cane (but we all know that
    she's the Old-Lady-With-The-Cane) "I was a go-go dancer in Vegas.
    I had beautiful legs like yours, darling. So smooth,
    the men would stick money in me garters!"

    Lady Cane, onstage, still puts on foundation,
    even though her age spots still seep through
    within the next hour or so, and the fake eyelashes (complete
    with the gold glitter "the young'uns" wear) sag even minutes later
    as she applies them in the mirror.

    She is oblivious to the chuckles of the crowd.

    Even though no one believes her stories about her dancing, she is built like one,
    you know, like a dancer. She still has the lean shape (with the exception of
    supple young skin) and the skill to put hair up in the dancer-buns.
    Her own hair is white, but she still tries to keep it as red and fiery
    as an inferno
    on her head. Needless to say it doesn't work as well
    as it should.

    Onstage, instead of a spotlight, a movie fragment:

    We played in the parking lots that belonged to
    apartment complexes years and years ago,
    but I refuse to admit to anyone except to you that I am old.
    The pale yellow paint was peeling off the siding,
    but the bricks were still pretty red.
    Daddy'd come home drunk every night and I still wonder

    and aloud (onstage) she'd mumble to herself, "Why'd he choose me?"

    Submitted on 2007-10-11 17:46:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      why do so many people on this site now have to include so much punctuation and unorthadox structure? is it to appear more intellectual? whatever it is, i find it very difficult to connect with this psuedo-prose poetry that's going around, and with the characters within.

    your character 'Lady Cane', for example, is somewhat devoured in your elaborate, and at times unnecessary, language. eg. "(but we all know that, she's the Old-Lady-With-The-Cane)" and "(complete
    with the gold glitter "the young'uns" wear)." you spend a whole second stanza describing her make-up as if it somehow fortifies your character's nostalgia when to me, it just sounded like you were avoiding the subject.

    in the fourth stanza, i can't understand why you use the lines breaks that you do. your last few stanzas seemed ok in terms of the flow of the piece but take my examples, such as:
    "...exception of
    supple young skin..."
    "...as an inferno
    on her head."
    These seem to break up the piece unnecessarily and makes that particular stanza choppy and awkward to read.

    even though this write was done for a challenge, i still think you could have displayed more emotion in relation to this character who is "past it" and yet she persists at what she does, despite ridicule. a touching story, but the character isn't showing any kind of emotion at all. you'd think someone like that would be crying or feeling more sorry for themselves or something. From what you say about the make-up wearing off, you'd think it would be quite obvious to her, that she should be giving it up.

    overall, this kind of "poetry" isn't my thing, and i didn't really get anything out of this because subject matter was quite vaguly portrayed. you have the language but not quite the right platform yet.
    | Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      i kinda think it was wierd. you dont look like hel/a old in your pic. nice work though. thanks forth feedback. sorry you feel that way,. reaqd something else and try again.

    | Posted on 2007-10-18 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poetry really blows. GO SOME PLACE ELSE!
    | Posted on 2007-10-18 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]

    This is actually pretty interesting. I've never read anything like this before. Never, ever. One of a kind, my friend. One of a kind...

    You put some decent detail in this, which makes me proud, elite. You put colors and verbs and a whole rainbow. Acutally, I thought it was pretty weird at first but once I kept on reading, it became more clear. The ending is very sad, too. And I like how the last sentence was "Why'd he choose me?" It makes the reader want to read more.

    I love how you organized it. It's so well spaced out and well put. I look for that in poems and stories and I really don't know why.

    Well, keep it up, kid. You're doing great for a begginer.

    | Posted on 2007-10-15 00:00:00 | by crimson_panda | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi passy.

    Some parts of your poetry have an overdose of commas in their sentence structure. That needs fixing.

    Also, is the second to last stanza thing a sort of dream sequence? It's sort of unclear to me.

    Though you have commonplace errors, your poetry is still beautiful. Good job.

    | Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Kira Why Not | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]