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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Infatuation of it alldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Peachpitt
    ASL Info:    26/F/away from you
    Elite Ratio:    2.56 - 107/144/72
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1234
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 855



    Description:
       www.myspace.com/teamsleep




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    dotsThe Infatuation of it alldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Eyes alive with passion burning,
    Flames of playful dance rage,
    Soothing voice to my weary ears
    And I’m melting in a moment’s age.

    Choking throat stutters out “Hello,”
    My eyes indulging in their amaze.
    They sip up every last detail;
    Addicted after just a gaze.

    A silent “How are you?” coughed up;
    Goes by unnoticed as you pass.
    And as you leave, so does my chance;
    My heart then shatters like all glass.

    Intoxication leaves me starved
    And all my dreams now fade to grey.
    I chase tomorrow for another like you,
    But the hunger never goes away.

    Nostalgia for broken dreams - my poison;
    As nothing's as worthy anymore.
    I never stop yearning; never stop hurting;
    I need the one that I adore.




    Submitted on 2007-10-12 23:31:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It seems as though you were waiting for somebody to embrace you or to heel you wounds. I spotted a tinge of resentment and disappointment which probably hinges upon previous unsuccessful relationships..... Your depiction of the way that you are affected by somebody's presence is quite astonishing. One gets the impression that you are describing a drug instead of a person.

    I do relate to the piece on account of the fact that I'm not a daring person … so many time have I stammered words while I'm meeting somebody.... especially someone I’m attracted to ....

    Additionally, I have to say that the rhythm of the piece was delightfully pleasant and certainly helps convey the massage effectively. Moreover, I enjoyed intensity of this piece and the powerfully telling use of the language.

    My only suggestions would be to cast aside the word "their" in the second line, second stanza which sorts of hinders the flow and seems rather superfluous and finally to re - write the first line regarding the last stanza owing to the fact that it sounds rather awkward, at least to me.


    Nicely done,


    Take care,



    Ethan

    Ps: I'm sorry for the previous comment it was a mistake
    | Posted on 2007-10-18 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2007-10-18 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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    151071

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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