A big thanks for the comments and a special thanks to Ethan, for some excellent tweaks.
Now imagine -------------------------------------------
Now imagine
that there is nothing else in the world
but you and snow.
I have imagined that
and am doing so right now.
Right now
snow falls on the house
and except for the house
there is only
snow and me and darkness.
Without darkness
I would probably have been one with the snow
thus neither have seen myself nor the snow.
So thanks to the snow
I know, what in this house
death longs for.
This is a really good write but I also found this to be incredibly sad
I could not imagine living in a world where ones only friend is the snow falling to the ground
Yes Nature is a very true and real Friend to me but I also need the bond that is created from a Loving Family and TRUE friends
Nice Work Indeed
God Bless
Ron
Let me show you what I mean. Your poem is still personal to you, for whatever reason you have written it: because it is your voice. The only way it would not be personally linked to you would be if you plagiarized this poem, which I hope you didn't. This is what I meant to say. But I shall elaborate. I didn't have time to finish my last critique; I figured you'd see what I mean. Let's analyze:
First off, it is very bad to immerse your reader in your voice through the second person, especially for first-time readers of your style. What I mean to say is, that if someone's not used to your way of speaking, then how can they ever appreciate the poem? This is why, for whatever reason, you should never utilize second person in poetry.
Now imagine
that there is nothing else in the world
but you and snow.
[Do not begin a sentence with "now" unless you're using it in a completely different context than what you have used it for in here. Never begin a sentence with a command following now. No. That's bad. That's not poetry. Let me tell you why this is bad: your reader has just been introduced to your poem. The "now" bit adds a bit of confusion. What had happened previously? Why is it "now"? Was there a "before" the reader had missed? You see? It alludes to a previous action. And the command bit is bad because you are telling it at the reader, rather than showing it. Never do what I'm doing now, which is telling you what I'm going to do next. If you're going to do something for your reader, do it. Don't allude to it, then do it. If you don't get what I mean, here:
I shall now tell you
of the dastardly deeds
performed by Harry Houdini,
wizard extraordinarre,
whose barest twitch of finger
could vanish a spoon.
Would you continue after having read through the promotional crap? Some people would, but a lot would be bored very quickly. And you have to hook your reader, not jolt them then hook them. Your allusion is not as extreme as the latter, but you get what I mean, I hope.]
I have imagined that
and am doing so right now.
[The first four lines sound prose-ish because they are arranged in such a fashion that would bespeak repetition. Your reader had been commanded to imagine snow and you have simply remarked that you did that also and are continuing to do it. That, to me, is bland.]
Right now
snow falls on the house
and except from the house
[Except for the house.]
there are only
[There is only.]
snow and me and darkness.
[Snow, me and darkness. But that depends. If you want to write that way, do as you wish.]
Without darkness
[Comma after darkness, I think. I'm not sure about this.]
I would probably have been one with the snow
thus neither have seen myself nor the snow.
[Ooh, never use thus like that. Doesn't make sense when read out loud.]
So thanks to the snow
I know, what in this house
death longs for.
[The way you arrange your sentences sounds like proverbs Yoda would say. It sounds Poe-ish. That is bad. Ask a number of prestigious people on how bad Edgar Allen Poe actually was. I mean, the guy's famous, but I believe he did most of his work for the money.
Anyway, the main topic: your poetry, beside being second person and uncomfortably direct, is bland. The only promising sensory device you've propose was snow, and even that in itself is a total cliché. I advise you to read on your contemporaries. No Poe, please. No Shakespeare (unless you want to study his style of sonnet and iambic pentameter). Frost is good. His imagery is well toned. Work on it.]
Looking forward to winter? You're one of them crazys!
The picture you paint is a minimalist's dream. Just you and the snow. Just you standing in the forever white canvas stretching forever white journeys forward...hey, that sounded pretty cool.
The last 3 lines pretty much sum up winter in general:
"So thanks to the snow
I know, what in this house
death longs for."
Winter is pretty much death. Freezing, white death. And I have to suffer through another one before I can go to the Philippines. Darn...I feel cold already.
Thanks for reminding me of the bleak wave of icy sorrow that is coming...*shiver*
Well, you have written a very riveting piece. I liked the part when you imagine yourself mingling with the snow and the part where you wonder how it'd be like to exist in a world where nothing except for you snow can exist, to put that way.
In the same regards, I must say that I got the feeling as though you were describing snow as it were a person which is strikingly odd in sort of romantically strange way.
I did notice, and did not quite enjoy your overusing the word "snow" and "house" you could have referred to the former as "white substance" probably or even "ice" perhaps and to the second as a "cottage" - "bungalow" - "an apartment" just to give you a couple of ideas.
Additionally, I'd say that you ought to work on line breaks so as to make this poem both neater and easier to read. A further suggestion would be checking line “11” because, to my mind, the word “properly” sounds rather awkward possibly "Probably” would make more sense, at least to me ...
I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh, I was merely trying to be honest and help at the same time.
All I've said are just suggestions; don't pay attention to them if you don't concur with me. Feel free to cast them aside if you want to.
There are so many directions you could go with this. But do not do any of them in the second person. Remember that a poem is close to something personal, even when being publicly viewed. You do not want to involve the reader. You do not want to command them to "imagine".
i was expecting a poem about snow covered trees, sledges and snowmen but this was something different, kind of eerie piece,i got it all, but somehow the last line threw me maybe you could explain it,but i enjoyed it , interesting write,
take care
gmc
Submission Name: Now imagine
