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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Brickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cirruculum
    ASL Info:    17/Male/SW Kansas
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 36/35/17
    Words: 349
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 154
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2047



    Description:
       Dedicated to my Cousin - Michelle Renner.

    If you received this as an e-mail, it came from me. I tried chaining it, and I never did know how far it got. Enjoy!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Brickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

    The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."

    With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

    Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

    Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

    "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

    It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never repaired the dented side door.




    Submitted on 2007-10-13 14:13:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      that would be a nice dent to explain.


    well, not NICE.


    but it's a good story in opposition to those of MOST dents *nods in agreement with self*


    | Posted on 2008-04-09 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      awwww :)
    | Posted on 2008-04-09 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is different from the stories I've read.

    I mean, nobody would throw a brick at your new Jag for no reason...Well, maybe me. But the little boy had a reason. And I even pictured him in my mind. He looked so cute. I wanted to cry. TT.TT

    And I liked how you made this story short, sweet, and to the point. You didn't put A LOT of detail, which A LOT of people seem to do.

    Well, I really liked how you organized it. I like it a lot.

    Have a good day,
    Bethany
    | Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by crimson_panda | [ Reply to This ]
      I personally enjoyed the piece.

    Some observations:
    1)You use both "Jag" and "Jaguar" to represent the car. This is not a distracting mistake, but you might wish to make it more consistent.

    2)"The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "
    The H in He should be lower-case.

    3)"He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared."
    Again, not a major point, but "passed" here is used as a transitive verb, meaning it required a direct object, explicit or implicit.
    For eg."The car passed the railway station."
    The direct object might be mentioned in the preceding sentence, as in:
    "The railway station was crowded, and the car was approaching it. As the car passed,..."

    I am not clear what the direct object in your sentence is.

    -----------------------
    Overall, I think this piece is an excellent representative of it's own genre, and I commend you for it! The ending is memorable!

    Prateek
    | Posted on 2007-10-26 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought it was rather sweet . As the previous commentors noticed, technical errors such as spelling and grammar aren't present.
    It was a basic morality tale. Very clear, to the point (as was mentioned), it was slightly plain. Normal action for a normal morality story. Prehaps add some more action? A little more history behind the characters, background as to why they would be doing what they did in the story. Only suggestions. As it sits, the story is fine.

    well written,
    --Misty
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
      As a story goes, it progresses neatly from Beginning to Middle to Conclusion; 'tis almost textbook-like, in fact. There are no spelling or grammatical errors. As far as one goes with basic narrative writing, it is technically flawless.

    I do feel, however, that the tone is more suited to a mere morality tale, one best saved for kindergarteners or presschoolers. It is not the sort of morality tale that Aesop or Chaucer wrote, being plain as it is.

    The description and the dialogue are rather unsophisticated, coming from a vocabulary simplified to the extent that I might consider using this piece for an ELT class.

    I do not wish to criticise or put down your writing, which as an idea, and even as to grammar, are perfectly doable. It is only the style to which I object, and which needs improving.

    A young and successful executive...? The most fundamental rule for writers, which at higher levels can be applied with judicious exceptions, but at this stage needs to be used more frequently:

    Show. Don't--Tell.

    How is he young? How is he successful? What sort of person is he? What does he look like, what is he wearing? What does that say about him; what do you want that to say about him? Think about these, make them relevant points to your writing, and let the audience envision the executive as a character rather than as a cardboard cut-out from Pilgrim's Progress.

    The dialogue also seems somewhat stilted at times; I would suggest greater variation in their tone, syntax, and phraseology. Here's a useful tip: go out into the street, and listen for ten minutes to the voices on the wind. Listen to the drivers cursing almost inaudibly behind their glass windows; listen to the children shrieking their way home in camaderie; listen to the busy, busy residents cursing when someone overtakes them; or to the noisy, rapid-fire voices of the streetside hawkers. Work on that, and the morality tale will be so much more realistic.

    One final point: no female representation? oO How... could... you? ;)


    But the moral of the story was clear. I don't want to seem like I've been getting all into a state over horrendous writing, because it ain't horrendous! You're clear, you get to the point, and you don't waste words with purple prose - all points in your favour.

    Hope to see more of your writing in future!


    Ave atque vale
    La Muse d'Azur
    | Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      HI,

    You must have made the edits suggested above by the time I got to this. I think it's pretty clever, although a little on the sappy side. Thank you for NOT adding at the end, "If you really love Jesus, you will forward this to fifty people." (I really love Jesus and I NEVER forward that stuff!)

    annie

    | Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      Except from it being sobby, sentimental and moralizing it is okay and clear. I did kind of like the twist it took from being about him in the car to him and the new situation.

    I did get a bit, to say the least, put off by:
    "He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.

    Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not."

    This part just makes my toes curl up. The lines here are horrific and must go, to keep this a decent write. I sounds like one of those cheesy children's comics that always ends up with someone having to spell out the moral of the story at the end, just to make sure that all the kids out there got the right indoctrination out of the show, and to make sure that they do not think the wrong thoughts.

    Putting this ending on your text, is a way of telling the reader that you expect him/her to be as thick as a plank, and that he/she properly couldn't figure out the point by him-/herself. Thats just offensive, to any reader.
    That and the fact that you repeat this message twice, is just terrible writing.
    Really - IT MUST GO.
    If you really think that it is needed to moralise so obiously in the end, you can only conclude that you have not done a good enough job getting the point in the story, as you should have. This is not the case in this text though, and I would suggest an ending like:

    It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never repaired the dented side door.

    The only alteration is the deletion of the last lines and removal of the words "bothered to" in the last sentence. I think you need to remove the bothered, as it indicates a lack of action due to a negative personal characteristic. Whereas the reason not to remove the dent is a positive sign, that he does not want to forget.

    All in all a pretty decent write
    All best
    -tZar
    | Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]


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