Erasable Colours by Ethan Brody

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Submission Name: Erasable Colours dots

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Author:	Ethan Brody
ASL Info:	27- M - Dunsinane
Elite Ratio:	8 - 356/166/55
Words:	102

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	242
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	690

Description:
I wrote this yesterday. I saw something that struck me and from then on it was chaos. I could not stop shaking until I had it out of my system. I even went to seek for help from one of my former teacher at the University; she helped with the title which was the hardest part of it all.

I hope you can comment on it, I'd be very thankful if you did so. Please feel free to point out whatever you want to. I won't get sad if you don't like it and tell me all about it ... it'd be just the reverse.... I'd especially like to know if you fathom the main message or what I'm trying to get across. But anything else you'd like to mention/add would be great. If you comment I'll do it too on your writes.

Thanks,

Ethan

Erasable Colours dots

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Familiar faces,
In an ancient,
But known place,
Wearing nice make–up
Which after few seconds
vanishes away.
Amongst them,
A timid shadow
Suddenly shows up
But is swallowed
By those complexions.
Next day,
The same old story;
The powder dazzles
As the sun does
But is instantly
and consciously
Washed away
As one passes by.
After several months,
The shy shadow
Has indeed evolved
For it's no longer
What it used to be,
As one day it realizes
That it’s got a gloss-like face

Submitted on 2007-10-13 18:27:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Nice work and immagination that you use. Talking about face and mask, many people wear the mask to hide their true intention. However the time will reveal their true intention and show us how rotten their heart is. Nice thank you for sharing.

- Dave -
| Posted on 2008-06-02 00:00:00 | by garnet4david | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the idea of make up vanishing and masks washing away... Its a cruel thought that you can't really hide what you are... A tiger can't change his stripes not even with a haircut lol... And in do time no matter how hard you your true colors wll come out... Bravo
Kersofmia
| Posted on 2007-11-21 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
  It definitely seems improved. There are a couple of things I neglected to point out the first time that I noticed this time through, however:

"vanishes away."

This seems redundant. "Vanishes" entails that something is going "away;" it's sort of implied. If you want to keep "away" I might suggest something different, such as "fades."

"shows up"

Given that this is one of the main actions in the poem, I think you might want something stronger. Not "appears," I don't think, but maybe something similar.

"As one day it realizes"

This doesn't seem to move quite properly; I think a good idea might be to change "as" to "for" or "and" or something along those lines; maybe end the previous line in a colon. I don't know quite why; it's just that the feel of that line doesn't quite mesh with the thoughts being conveyed.

Anyway. Hope that helped.

--crimson
| Posted on 2007-11-10 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
  Bloody heck, but I've owed you this comment forever. I am sorry it took me so long; between accidentally deleting the comment notification when I was trying to empty my PM box and the constant threat of schoolwork I haven't been on long enough to reply to anything properly. Makes me feel even more the fool since your response to Path of Snakes was one of the few comprehensive ones I've received from anyone I'm not Stalk!ing--or from anyone in general, think of that. In any case, here's what I owe you.

Overall response: I was reminded of a carnivorous plant, strange as that may sound. The idea of these things that at first appear beautiful, but whose masks melt away the moment that you stand close enough to see what's going on. I'm also reminded of a clique-type setting, with random newcomers being absorbed into the group and receiving their own mask to wear. I feel as if there's something deeper yet, though, and I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps it needs another read-through.

"Familiar faces,
In an ancient,
But known place,
Wearing nice make – up
Which after few seconds
vanishes away."

Interesting start. The rhythm is a little halting for me; I was kind of thrown off in the transition between the second and third lines. "Make-up" shouldn't have spaces between the words and dash; ordinarily I wouldn't mention it, but with the line length the way it is, that actually made me skip a beat at the end of that line and by the time I caught up with myself I was at the end of the sentence.

And I'll skip ahead a bit, because while there is nothing wrong in the lines between, there is nothing overwhelmingly remarkable about them--they seem to be exposition without any ornament (which is not a problem; it is simply difficult to remark on...).

"Next day,
The same old story,
The powder dazzles,
As the sun does,
But is instantly
, And rather consciously,
Washed away
As one passes by."

I think you may consider replacing the comma in the second line of this selection with a semicolon to help the way the poem moves; it felt to me as if there were too many commas in this set of lines for the good of the poem, really. Also: third line from the bottom has what I am pretty sure is an accidental misplacement happening...

"After several months,
The shy shadow
Has indeed evolved
For is no longer,
What it used to be,
As one day it realizes
That it’s got a gloss like face"

I think the comma after "longer" ought to be removed for grammar's sake; since you're already at the end of the line the reader will usually insert a pause automatically. Possibly also add a hyphen between gloss and like, or perhaps just slam them together into one word.

Overall, this is a fairly interesting piece with the potential to be fairly thought-provoking. I think there are a couple of execution problems, trouble with rhythm, but overall a nice job.

--crimson
| Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
  yes another one of your poems to ponder on (i remmember the one about "ants")an interesting piece,i like the way it,s laid out short lines,and the line breaks which i think are in the right places,and somehow give the poem an overall sad tone(my opinion). i think maybe it,s about not judging a book by it,s cover, or seeing behind the masks that people often wear, and one is intiminated by these people.in germany we have a saying (nicht alles was glänzt ist gold, not everything that shines is gold, meaning you shouldn,t let appearances dazzle you.)the person in your poem has caught or saw maybe something, and he sees the fakeness in these said people.his face, or feelings are glowing, he is the way he is, he doesn,t have to fit in .well that,s how i understood it, like i said a poem to ponder on, nicely done.
take care
gerry
| Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the break up of make-up emphasizing assonance. Not sure exactly if the subject is as literal as it seems. Not sure I care for this verbal pause it just changed the rhythm for me "But is instantly
, And rather consciously"
Over al I like the way the vowels are used to tie lines together. Should is be its here? "For is no longer,"
i never really like much make up less is more i'd say. anyway take care.
| Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]

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