And were you in the coffin when they lowered
you into your grave, and covered you with heaps
of roses - when they threw in the piles of dirt,
and when they said goodbye to you for one last time?
And did you really die? Or fool everyone with
pitiful cries, and mournful woes of pain and death,
when you took your final breath?
Were you at your tricks and games, fooling
everyone to laugh at their pain? To get a little
sympathy, from their awful misery?
I don’t believe this is what you’ve done,
as you cried every time the sun
rose in the brilliant sky,
tears just fell from your eyes.
Something deep inside your heart
told you we would never part,
so you did what you could, maybe not what
you should have done, but at least now you don’t
cry every time you see the sun.
| When i first read it i thought that you were refering to getting killed....but as i kept reading i could tell it was about suicide.....Was this about someone that you knew or are you just a good writer that way...|
|| Posted on 2007-10-18 00:00:00 | by lonely goth | [ Reply to This ] || i like it...im not really sure how to describe it besides different, but y do you have just the one posted? but again, its really cool especially the last two lines.||| Posted on 2007-10-15 00:00:00 | by Master Bates | [ Reply to This ] || I could see someone doing something like that to get some sympathy...maybe...|
Is this piece about suicide? I'm just drawing partly off Vastmark's comment. I could see how it might relate to that. The last three lines truly represent that view:
"so you did what you could, maybe not what
you should have done, but at least now you don’t cry every time you see the sun."
But I'm still lingering on the edge of hope and hoping that this isn't suicide. But it truly seems like it.
I thought that the first three stanzas really contrasted with the last. The first three were mocking and accusing, but the last was sorrowful and sympathetic. This makes for a very good contrast.
Sorry if I don't have much more to say. I thought it was pretty good, I just wish my mind could think more at this moment of time upon your good work.
Keep it up!
|| Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ] || This sounds to me like suicide, that's definately the feel I get as I read through the last stanza. |
It could be that you're asking did you die and become nothing, or is your spirit lingering taking pleasure from the pain of others. Anyway that's what I got from this in brief.
As far as the writing is concerned I thought it was quite good, unpretentious and a level of intelligence behind the words however, it suffers from a lack of organization it could easily be formed into two longer stanzas which would greatly help with the rhythm as one reads through it. At the moment the natural pauses between the parts that a reader takes makes it stutter.
Some of it rhymes, some of it doesn't, this doesn't particularly bother me and I don't think that it interferes with it too much although personally I will either do one or the other and always stick to whatever structure I feel suits the poem.
Anyways that's all from me I think it has potential and it would benefit from some consideration and revision.
|| Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ] || i like how some parts are rhymed and some are not, it works well. to much rhyming can sometimes be like sing song(i make this mistake myself a lot)i am not to sure if i understand the poem right, are we talking about the death of a loved one or the death of love itself, you must let me know. nice write|
|| Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ] |