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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Gentle Liesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AnnaBullen707
    ASL Info:    14/Female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    1.92 - 16/48/48
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 98
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 431



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGentle Liesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Guarded eyes, their backdrop breaking like softly shattered glasss
    Rich sympathy falls fast away
    Everything he says
    Gentle lies

    Behind the second chances
    Right next to the goodbyes
    It still remains this feeling, like a bond between our hearts
    Gentle silences no one speaks
    Hours stream backwards in time
    Troubles pass, our sanctuary, and still we toss and turn




    Submitted on 2007-10-14 10:59:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Actually, this really has promise. I like where this goes or I understand where it goes. I have read it over several times, and the more I read it , the more it settles in. I generally stray from giving critique, for the simple reason, it is just my opinion. But I think with a bit of pruning/editing it could be a stronger poem...

    in S1L1 what do you think about: softly breaking... or breaking softly like shattered glass?
    Just puting the softly elsewhere makes one feel it a bit more..the push/pull of it.

    In S2
    (and again...just thoughts here)

    'Behind second chances
    Right next to goodbyes'

    and maybe removing: 'like a bond between our heart'
    and I only say that because let me as a reader feel that.
    and I do with the remaining lines...

    Again, just ideas....

    I did enjoy the the read.
    | Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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