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My Rise and Fall

Author: No Talent
ASL Info:    24/m/Ny
Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 263 /178 /31
Words: 152
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1603
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 970


i wanna kno wether you like it or not, what u think about it, and how it made you feel

My Rise and Fall

.I’ve Felt Pain.. And then I been hurt
My hearts been swallowed, spit up and thrown to dirt..
But I can’t forget..
Blind to you
My Plight sewn thru thru thread,
No regrets..
I was only 10
My heart so young, take advantage I’ll soon forget.. Or so you thought
You killed me inside
Though softly
The pain still thrives .. like a festering boil, boil and toil as my soul …
Slowly begins to Spoil..
Besiege My heart
Take it
Steal it
As you ride throughout the Dark…
Leaving nothing behind..
Pain and suffering follow me
I cannot hide…
Guess I’ll face it alone
Nightmares and tears
As pain Burns throughout the years
I’ve only felt pain
Pain and anger sore in me
I can’t be slain..
As I rise and fall..
As I rise and fall..
I will always stand tall….

Submitted on 2004-06-22 17:55:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I liked it, it is pure emotion and it tells of the pain of a memory, the anger towards someone who has hurt you. I write about a lot of things, even about my hurt, but I don't think I could express my feelings about someone who has hurt me. You did a good job with this, a few mistakes but nothing devastating, from one who is experienced in making devastating mistakes in poetry-and life. lol. Any who's eyeball catch ya l8r.
| Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by alittlebithippy | [ Reply to This ]
  dark and depressing. anger and sadness. alot of emotions here. i liked it. it seemed like a depressing issue happening.

The pain still thrives .. like a festering boil, boil and toil as my soul

liked this part. guess because of the way you explained the pain. lovely.

| Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
  Grammer aside, I loved this poem. I would change anything, I wouldn't rewrite it, but there's a lot of errors that need fixing.

"Take advantage, I'll soon forget, or so you thought."

Breaks my heart, it's a touching poem. I just want you to feel all better! *tear*
That thing that seems like a roller coaster is that you're strong and then you're not, you're strong and then you're you are creating a "Rise and Fall" type of swing to the poem, but not in a very professional way...
Lose the period on the first line. I don't know if that is a typo or what. "And then I been hurt" Is grammatically incorrect, you need to use B verbs. "And then I have been hurt" correctly.

It would sound better if you got rid of so many contractions. And "thru" is a lazy way to spell "Through"

Some things in this poem, like the dots, and using numerals "10" sounds too, I'm-a-aol-chatter4realzers.

Sorry. Good vocabulary despite the minor errors, All in all I love it *cries*...It has a strong message and you displayed it without complaining, god, you just say you're going to go on.

So genuine and selfLESS! Rock on, my dear.

| Posted on 2004-06-22 00:00:00 | by Indi Elf | [ Reply to This ]

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