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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Theo"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tisuna
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 7/4/3
    Words: 488
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 143
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 2883



    Description:
       This is just an excerpt from a short story I wrote entirely on my own. Not on the site, or for a program or anything like that. If the italicizations and such don't work, I apologize. This is my first time doing something like this, and really wouldn't be, if someone weren't a little bossy...The word 'gentlemen' at the beginning should be italicized, as well as 'will' and 'would' at the end. I'm not taking chances with the site's way of actually italicizing them again. Sorry about that.

    I'm going to trust the viewers and users of this site not to plagerize, as that is stealing and illegal. And I suppose all there is left to say is; Enjoy!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Theo"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A knock, loud and important-sounding, rapped on my office door. Theo had left the park for the day, but would be waiting for me at the beach. I opened the door, and promptly wished I could shut it.

    Black suits.

    Three big, strong men in black suits. Only They wore black suits, unless you were going to a funeral. And unless my heart had just stopped, nobody had yet to die in my office. "Can I help you," I managed to choke out, and with a dangerous glint of annoyance, "gentlemen?"
    A fourth Black Suit stepped forward. When he saw I wasn't going to let him in, he stopped outside and introduced himself; in a way. "Miss Cadence Watchman, of the town of Harpstring? You are the current owner of Tide Pool Parks? I am Mr. Guntan Sochmore of the Aquatic Department. Its head, actually."
    He was middling height, but from his shape it appeared the only thing he did involving aquatics was scarf down cans of tuna and boxes of fish fritters. "We have received several reports that you have permitted a dangerous Sea Folksman onto your grounds."
    Reports and dangerous my fluffy green sandal. "Reports" meant spying. As for dangerous; if Theo was anyone to go by, the Sea Folk were as dangerous as a little girl's teddy bear. "There are no Sea People in my park, sir," I replied coldly, "unless you mean the sting rays."
    Sochmore spread his goons, giving us a wide berth of privacy. Then he calmly, smugly, produced a photograph. It was just a fuzzy Polaroid shot, but Theo's tail was still visible. My heart sank. How had they gotten that? But I could think about that now. Any attempts to deny it would only get me in worse trouble. If they had one picture, they had more. "Theo's not hurting anybody!" I snapped angrily, losing my temper with somebody who could get me killed, "You leave him alone!"
    "I'm afraid we can't do that, miss," he replied, grinning with delight at his catch. "These creatures aren't tame dolphins you can keep as pets. They are dangerous, and must be terminated."
    He turned away and began to leave, just as I found my eyes were pricked with tears. He stopped and happily called back to me, "Bring 'Theo' to the stage in two days. It's time you did a little public service, Miss Watchman. And you will bring him."
    I waited until they left, then sank down against the door, and began to cry. I could only imagine what they had in store for him; nothing good, obviously. And the worst part? I would take Theo to his doom. There was nothing I could do. Better to let him be led by who he thought was his friend, than tracked down by the Aquatics Department. I closed the park early and left for the beach.




    Submitted on 2007-10-14 20:25:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, first of all I’m intrigued. Who is this ‘Theo’, or probably more accurately what is he? This is the first element to any fiction writing – keep your reader’s attention. And you sure kept mine.

    I appreciate the simple style to your writing. For example, apart from the mystery surrounding the character of Theo, it’s all easily understandable: there’s no flowery description or overly complicated word usage, and there’s no sense of pomposity to your style (a far too common characteristic to many short stories written by younger people). It seems everyone thinks they can write novel/stories nowadays when in fact they should stick to their day jobs. Harsh i know, but a fact all the same. Anyways, your imagination and familiarity with writing shines through, and for this I commend you.

    From such a short passage, I gleaned a lot of information. Names, positions, setting, antagonists and the main good guys and their characteristics, even a lead on to the second part of the story – namely the beach and the first reveal of Theo (at least for this reader). But what the hell is he? A killer whale like Free Wily? An alien who likes eating gentlemen in black suits? A cocoon that gives anyone who swims near enough eternal youth?...A dancing mollusc? Ahhh!! The curiosity is eating me alive! I can’t sleep or eat for the not knowing of it!

    And Mr. Guntan Sochmore. Man, i wanna slap him round the face with a wet tuna fish. I could almost feel his smugness. i sure hope he gets his comeuppance before the story is over. How'd you pick your names, T? They're pretty unique - Guntan Sochmore and Cadence Watchman. Cadence is a cool name for a chick. I've always found that unless i find just the right name for a character, i can't get a handle on him. Tis a very important element, i think.

    Anyhow, i hope you get some more feedback on this story. It deserves it. The whole comment thing works on a give/receive basis. If you want a comment, then be sure to comment someone else's work and ye shall be given thy reward. Dunno why i went all Olde English there. It did feel vaguely satisfying though.

    Thanks for going to the trouble of posting it. I know you nearly had a panic attack when the itallics rebelled.

    Just an aside, T, but please feel free to shove my head in a bucketful of fishguts if i try bossing you round again. Normally i'm a laidback kinda fella - i dunno what got into me. I have to admit it felt pretty good when you hopped to it though *grins*

    Heh, just kidding. I'll try not to order you around too much in the future....only when you need it.

    Peace and fish fingers,

    Your friendly neighbourhood Looby.

    P.S. Did you know that you can get the word 'Tuna' out of your name? Coincidence? I think not.
    | Posted on 2007-10-15 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]


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