Description: a series of, spur of the moment 3 min poems, thought it made sense all together. not sure of individual titles, any ideas would be great
A Fear; Lost to Epiphany -------------------------------------------
There’s a thin line
Thin line
Thin line that I walk tonight
Asking god oh please no more
Theirs eggshells on the floor
I’m not good at tip toe dances
Losing hope and trusting chances
When theirs nothing more to gain
Irreverent towards the pain
And the floor no more
Is here beneath me
As what’s above
is what I’m leaving
all too trusted
rusted runway
marching towards the flames
dead and dusted
ill adjusted
game around the blame
perhaps perception is a key
and locked doors all that’s opened
when the moment comes you see
this isn’t here for what you’ve hope in
then the strength is inner guiding
as the pain is an illusion
the problem seldom worthy
as is the solution
A single speck of light
Piercing through a sky of silence
Like a moment left of fight
Still surviving through your violence
Lights are blinding
Alley’s tend
To leave one lost
All worth find
In need of amend
To not end in the forgot
Light’s are blinding
Dark misleading
Minds so sharp
Leave hearts still bleeding
And blood stains white
A blood stained light
Distorted through a single eye
Breathing, living, trapped behind
Two windows peering unto time
So helpless
So hopeless
For darkness is loathed in
So SAVE US, the saveless
Still echoes through the memory
The only way to save all this
Is to find the strength in me
Still walking on the shore,
Finding nothing to believe
Ocean’s seem eternal
Forever depth and span
A violent sense of wonder
Crashing gently on the sand
It all seems like a sign
Sometimes….
Their’s nothing but what’s blind
Behind
Searching through an ocean
once guided by the moon
I’ve traveled under sunlight
Drowning under noon
But
Finding you
You’re finding me
Your hand I hold
when fallling deep
just when I think
I can not breathe
I am not lost
You’re here beside me
So
Could we wed the ocean
Holding hands along the beach
Watching violence on the sands
Fade away to the beneath
We’ll embrace the light
The light of the sun
Gently making love
With no place left to run
Here theirs nothing left to hide
And we’ve fallen out of time
We are free to dream and fly
No light’s left but those that guide
All our castles made of sand
Will stand against the tide
And we will be home
No longer alone
buried in stone
and roaming through the night
our minds
our bodies
abandoned, and returning to the ocean floor
no longer trapped
no longer restrained
Weightless
Bleeding hearts held
Now freed
Let go from the violent grip of fear
Souls
Pure and free of corrosion,
Deteriorating perception
Spirals of hope, pain
Love and depression
And we will be free
Finally free
Two souls
Beyond mortal
Beyond illusions of fear
Beyond restraints of circumstance
Eternal in love
Eternal in light
Ohh, first, this is a very long piece. [Thank me for stating the obvious another day, eh?:)] The best of poems is often scribbled in the shortest of times. I'm being entirely serious, I once got whacked in the face by a masterpiece and wrote it in five seconds flat.
The first poem is like rap music. There's definitely an underlying tune to it, and it's fast, striking the reader. The content I can't say much about, or suggest improvements, because it would hitherto ruin the rhythm and there wouldn't be much fun to reading it, would there.
all too trusted
rusted runway
marching towards the flames
dead and dusted
ill adjusted
game around the blame
They are chanting! They are chanting!
perhaps perception is a key
and locked doors all that’s opened
when the moment comes you see
this isn’t here for what you’ve hope in
then the strength is inner guiding
as the pain is an illusion
the problem seldom worthy
as is the solution
I liked this part the best. The diction comes out clear. Yeah I know you're not reading this part out loud yourself but still.
The second part is decent. I really have nothing to say there. Maybe someone else can.
So SAVE US, the saveless
Still echoes through the memory
The only way to save all this
Is to find the strength in me
Still walking on the shore,
Finding nothing to believe
Again the tune. Same tune. Maybe you should record it. Who knows.
What I was slightly irate about is the "memory" part, something's off there.
And we will be free
Finally free
Two souls
Beyond mortal
Beyond illusions of fear
Beyond restraints of circumstance
Eternal in love
Eternal in light
It's not a smooth ending, considering the intensity of the overall rhythm, which persists despite the general disjointedness that you say is supposed to be there. If you really do want to join all this together you can, I think the transitions can be smoother than just wide spacings. It's most possible, since the themes are quite connected. It's powerful.
This seems to me like a quadrilogy about fighting to rid ourselves of violence. Very soul searching and introspective, I find.
I like the but...so... thing you did in the third piece. It's fun and it kind of brings things to a short little halt.
Another thing I liked was in the last stanza. I liked the "beyond...beyond...beyond...eternal...eternal.." thing. Nice touch. Beyond eternal.
Overall I like how you make it so imperative that we must leave ourselves and escape this violence, that we must find safety:
"So SAVE US, the saveless"
"Watching violence on the sands
Fade away to the beneath"
"And we will be home...
no longer trapped
no longer restrained
Weightless"
"Bleeding hearts held
Now freed
Let go from the violent grip of fear"
"And we will be free
Finally free"
Plenty of meaningful and beautiful lines mixed within this quadrilogy. Good work.
And here are just a few little errors I found:
-You used "their" (which is possessive plural) when you meant to use "there" (which denotes location, which I knew you were referring to)
-You used apostrophes a few times where you didn't need them. Apostrophes are for possession and for contractions. You used it a few times though to show plurals ("Alley's", "Light's", "Ocean's", "light's").
Submission Name: A Fear; Lost to Epiphany
