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    dots Submission Name: promise to trydots

    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 327
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 544
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2182


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspromise to trydots

    when you smile, things suddenly become glass
    and i can see clearly in crystal, instead of shards
    and the mistakes that blistered,
    are no longer so charred
    the world recycles instead of throws away our trash
    that we littered thoughtlessly in history's yard
    second chances can fly, instead of flies
    if you just see clear, like i do, baby,
    you'll see exactly why
    just see yourself clearly through my eyes
    i know if you'd see what's clear to me
    i'd know you'd really try

    its not easy, baby, watching you leave
    those open doors you'll walk through
    will make my heart bleed
    because it's you i want, but i'm not what you need
    and i want to slam them shut, because
    god, i want you to stay
    but love isn't selfish; and love isn't blind
    you've turned my sunrise into day
    so thank you, baby, for beautiful times
    thank you for the memories, and the kisses,
    even this kiss goodbye
    thank you for the sunshine you brought into my life
    thank you for all of this; all of this, while you were mine
    cause if love is blind, then what is this?
    life's horizons are limited by only sky
    and your limits, darling, well,
    they don't exist
    they only come alive when you don't try

    but don't regret, and don't look back
    look around you, think forward, and try not to trip
    keep dreaming, keep believing, but remember there's facts
    of life, and love, and letting go, and yeah, they hurt like shit
    and it'll hurt, baby, and we know why
    and i'm sorry, baby, but i might cry
    if you leave, baby,
    my heart might die
    but please
    promise me this
    with one last breath, one goodbye kiss
    forget the hurt, and please don't lie
    i ask that
    with your final words, in that one last sigh
    please, darling
    just keep the promise that you'll try

    Submitted on 2007-10-15 22:32:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this isnt bad, i just think it needs a little smoothing
    perhaps working on the line length
    when you use rhyme, even slant rhyme and such, then you usually need to keep all the lines to a similar length so that it flows nicely and smoothly
    i think you have a nice style here, and i think you are talented, and have some good ideas
    i hope to see more from you, and i also hope that my critiques are welcome, i dont say any of this to upset you or belittle your writing, just to help you improve a little bit

    for me, the actual piece started out a little slow, but i really enjoyed the end
    i think this was well done, honestly

    | Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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