SPEAK by LongPastDead

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Submission Name: SPEAK dots

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Author:	LongPastDead
Elite Ratio:	6.68 - 34/64/29
Words:	256

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	161
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1425

Description:
To a friend...
(a work in progress)

SPEAK

-------------------------------------------

I can see it in your eyes,
Something you are trying to hide.
It haunts brown like fearful ghosts,
Skimming tear caressed coasts.

My voice pleads for an explanation,
Trying to coax the snake from Eden.
You merely look the other way,
Offering the simple "I'm okay."

Your lie drips with painful sin,
Poisoning the trust I had within.
The breath escapes my chest,
Desperately choking my heart with unrest.

Why do you leave me wondering in the dark?
Wishing you to be my morning lark?
Waiting for you to call forth the day’s light?
Needing you to wake me from this plight?

Speak to me like you used to,
Offer your heart's secrets anew.
Throw down these high walls,
and let me catch you from your fall.

This stand-alone complex cannot last,
an army of one simply falls too fast.
I would hold your hand in mine,
Together we could form the front line.

I cannot help, though,
If you don't allow me to know.
So until you are ready,
I will hold steadfast at your boundaries.

I will wait for you to open the door,
And let me help you like you did before.
All I need,
Is for you to speak.

Submitted on 2007-10-16 01:42:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Ok, the only chance in hell I have of writing a comment long enough to contend with Jaco's, albeit a snowball's chance in hell, is to follow the 12 Guidelines of ES Feedback. Well, I'll try my best. After all, that's all someone can ask for, right? -takes a deep breath and cracks his neck- Here goes nothing...

1. Be honest.

As Poe would say, this poem's "effect" on me is one of adoration. Simple as that.

2. Try not to give only compliments.

Alright, well in the second stanza, it seems that you intend to say wandering in the dark, when it says wondering in the dark. Tis just a speculation, but I think it flows better as a stanza if it would be wandering instead of wondering. Perhaps it's just a typo anyway. Oh well. Also, in the second stanza, first line, you spelt explanation wrong. Those are the two faults I could see with this piece. One spelling error, and one possible spelling error. There, I gave criticism too.

3. How did it make you feel?

It made me feel the way you describe yourself in the poem. Since I know the painful aching of having a friend not trust you enough to actually talk to you anymore, I felt exactly what you said. I feel that this is exactly what I would want to say to a friend or two of my own. Who knows, I might just quote a line or two of this sometime.

4. Why did it make you feel that way?

Because I've felt the same disappointment of a friend deciding to stay silent for some unspoken reason. It bothered me and crushed my spirit, leading me to become anxious and upset with that friend. The angst I felt at them made me want to frankly just ask them to talk to me about it, and tell them I'd be there waiting. But of course, I couldn't organize my thoughts or emotions so clearly as this.

5. Which parts?

Fifth Stanza:

"Speak to me like you used to,
offer your heart's secrets anew.
Throw down these high walls,
and let me catch you from your fall."

Seventh Stanza:

"I cannot help, though,
if you don't allow me to know.
So until you are ready,
I will hold steadfast at your boundaries."

Those two stanzas are what characterized and embodied everything I wish I could convey to them.

6. What distracted from the piece?

Nothing distracted from the piece. For a topic as personal and important as this one is, I would imagine you would have been more focused in writing this piece than some others. And it shows; this poem is very focused on the subject at hand.

7. What was unclear?

I looked extensively for the answer to this question, and after hours of exhaustive searching, I found it...and it was KIA. There is nothing unclear in this poem, it's all very focused and centered on one distinguishable topic.

8. What does it remind you of?

It reminds me of my friends, and of what I want to say to their face.

9. How could it be improved?

Perhaps if the rhyme scheme had a tad more structure, it could have flowed even better. Just a thought though.

10. What would you have done differently?

Well, to be honest, I would have made something that sucked compared to this. I would have looked too hard for the perfect word in each phrase, and by the time I'd finish the poem, it would sound very forced and blocky with lots of unnecessarily complex words.

11. What was your interpretation of it?

You suffer when your love isn't trusted. It pains you not to hear your friend's honest voice and it hurts even more that they hide their burdens and secrets from you. Yet...maybe this friend of yours chooses not to tell you these painful secrets because they care about your well-being more than they trust you. It is a difficult position to understand, yet it is one I can personally relate to. For example, I have a friend at the moment who cares too much about me to let me know their current problems. The thing that person might not realize is, if they share their burdens, well-beings are strengthened through trust more than ever before. It doesn't hurt the other person, it's effect is in fact the reverse, it helps them. Just some food for thought when thinking about the person spoken to in this poem.

12. Does it feel original?

Very much so. It's not too often you come across a poem where someone described their sincere concern for the other, and add onto that the prudently kept distance from said person.

-scrolls up and scans the comment- Well...it may not size up to the other "epic comments" given in honor of this piece, but I feel that it is a valiant attempt at doing so. Thank you for this piece. It was a very personal poem and I appreciate that you took the time to put some of yourself into it. Remember what I suggested about your friend though. They might think they're doing it to protect you, even though you see it differently.

-J
| Posted on 2007-12-10 00:00:00 | by Forest Saint | [ Reply to This ]
  SPPPPEEEEAAAKKKK!!!
....
Ok.

I likey this one! But that's because you put so much emotion into it, which I REALLY like. But there was something that threw me off...

It haunts brown like fearful ghosts? What does that mean exactly? Like, does it mean that haunts have been through a sewer and turned brown or the ghosts went through the sewer and turned brown then got the power of haunting? Or did you go through a sewer and write this? You may never know...

I really like how you said
Your lie drips with painful sin,
poisoning the trust I had within.
The breath escapes my chest,
desperately choking my heart with unrest.

That's how I feel like when my friend doesn't tell me what's wrong then I start getting stressed out about it then I feel like burning them to a crisp with a clothing iron...>.>'

And and and I like how you said All I need,
is for you to speak. It's like "Omfg! She didn't get off the frickin' poem! That's so cool! I wish I was like her!...Or Harry Potter."

Yeah, ignore that.

-Bethany
| Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by crimson_panda | [ Reply to This ]
  I can see it in your eyes,
Something you are trying to hide.
It haunts brown like fearful ghosts,
skimming tear caressed coasts.

the first two lines remind me of lines from the song 'lyin eyes' by the eagles... "you cant hide your lyin eyes/and your smile is a think disguise/i thought by now youd realise/there aint no way to hide those lyin eyes" i dont know if this is something you were aware of or not. it is odd the way lines can be song lyrics and not even know [though whats even more frustrating is writing a line and then a song coming out with that line and making you look like a line stealer lol. greenday did that to me with the boulevard of broken dreams lol]

the third line is troubling me... haunts brown like fearful ghosts... i cannot work out what you mean by it??

tear caressed coasts i would assume to be cheeks and if this is the case then i quite like that as an image... it is true that somedays a sea of tears can rush down ones face.

My voice pleads for an explination,
trying to coax the snake from Eden.
You merely look the other way,
offering the simple "I'm okay."

typo in the first line = explaination

im wondering what your reference is to the snake from Eden. im realising you are talking about the snake that decieved eve and caused her to eat the fruit but i cannot work out how it fits into this piece... i cannot work out its relevance..?

but i think your ability to paint the reality of the situation... with someone who clearly has something going on but will tell you theyre okay is well done...

Your lie drips with painful sin,
poisoning the trust I had within.
The breath escapes my chest,
desperately choking my heart with unrest.

your lie [telling me youre okay when youre not] drips with sin... sin linking back with the snake and eden but im not sure what it is you are trying to say.

i think now would be a good time for me to suggest presenting this piece differently.
i think your use of four line stanzas isnt very effective because your thoughts continue from stanza to stanza but they seem jarred to me because of the stop start nature. i think your use of rhyme in some places makes the lines seem a little forced too...

Why do you leave me wondering in the dark?
Wishing you to be my morning lark?
Waiting for you to call forth the days light?
Needing you to wake me from this plight?

for the most part i am not a fan of question after question after question in a poem especially questions that seem unanswerable...

it seems to me like you are giving the person you address in this piece a god like status... these questionings of turning darkness to light seem to me to be something only a god/deity can do... i think that is really interesting because if one takes that idea a little further and employs the idea that a worshipper would do anything to make their god happy then the reader can understand the intent with which you wrote this piece "tell me what is wrong so i can try to make it better and appease you/the situation"

Speak to me like you used to,
offer your heart's secrets anew.
Throw down these high walls,
and let me catch you from your fall.

this here is interesting to me.
now i am quite possibly reading way too much into this but because you had eden and the snake in the piece earlier all i can think of when i read this stanza was when god came down in the cool of the day to walk with adam and eve as he was accustomed to and he couldnt find them. he didnt ask 'what did you do?' he asked 'where are you' which, to me, incites relationship. why dont you speak to me like you used to? why are you hiding from me? come out from behind your nakedness and be real with me.
i think your use of the word 'fall' is interesting because adam and eve eating the fruit is referred to as The Fall.

This stand alone complex cannot last,
an army of one simply falls too fast.
I would hold your hand in mine,
together we could form the front line.

this stanza is beautiful but it seemed to come from nowhere for me.
i like the idea of two against the world much more than i do the idea of one.
and if love is the bond that holds you together then let no man seperate it. i am not speaking of romantic love specifically but pure love that cares for the other person and longs to protect them from everything...
i would think about giving this more weight in the piece. it doesnt seem to fit into the piece at the moment but i think it needs to be as it is a most beautiful stanza/thought

I cannot help, though,
if you don't allow me to know.
So until you are ready,
I will hold steadfast at your boundaries.

i admire your respect for this person and their boundaries. quite often when we want to help/save someone we will not let the matter rest and this in turn makes the person more and more indignant and unwilling to express their need for help. usually if you let it lie after making sure the person knows you are there no matter what they will open up to you...
it seems most illogical and almost like reverse psychology but it does work and it sounds through these words that you know it does too...

I will wait for you to open the door,
and let me help you like you did before.
All I need,
is for you to speak.

smetimes finding the words is the hardest. the first line is like taking blood from yourself i guess.
while i like the way this piece ended i cannot help but think it was so very different from the way the piece started. it seems as if the course kinda changed throughout the piece. im not sure how to rectify this though.

for the most part you have done well but i would encourage you to think about restructuring it and presenting it in a different way.

good luck
[ i sure hope i didnt waffle too much or over stay my welcome...]
| Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  It's a good draft overall, I enjoyed going through this and there are parts that I think are good, and parts I would maybe think about had I written it. As Falling rain said I really liked that same line it fit well into the atmosphere of the poem.
Most of the stanzas I don't have a problem with, but in the first I'm not sure I get what the last 2 lines are about, it seems very opaque compared to the rest, which is quite clear.
Another thing I noticed was the last 2 stanzas are shorter than the rest and the poem falters in way of rhythm. I try to standardize my line length as best I can when I'm not writing in pentameter or a fixed style. I find it helps the rhythm.
The last thing was regarding word choice

e.g Waiting for you to call forth the days light?
Needing you to wake me from this plight?

As it stands yes it works, but You can find lines like this in abundance (I may have used something similar myself at some point:), I would give lines like this some thought and try to add a little more depth to the poem as with a bit of tinkering this could be quite good.

Just my thoughts as you say it's a work in progress so I will be interested to see the final result. Hope this helped.

Later
V
| Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  Super Sexy Woman, huh? Is that your new superhero name or something? Coz you didn't pass it with me...Anyhow, i'm gonna do as you asked and write a comment on this piece because i'm cool like that and you are my sidekick afterall, and also because you asked so nicely...i was being sarcastic there. You didn't ask nicely at all. The word 'please' wasn't mentioned once. But some of us were brought up with manners, so here's the comment that i promised...

*Cracks knuckles in preparation for writing said awesome comment*

I liked your poem; it 'speaks' to me.

*End of Comment*

Just kidding. This is gonna be my Oedipal comment: not necessaily incestual but an epic all the same. I'll be remembered for this one when i'm long past dead and the name 'Jaco' is nothing but a fond memory in the Halls of ES. So, I think I'm gonna take each verse and critique/comment/talk random shit as i go along. Yep, sounds like a plan.

1) I can see it in your eyes,
Something you are trying to hide.
It haunts brown like fearful ghosts,
skimming tear caressed coasts.

Your first two lines remind me of a song. I've wracked my brains but i can't think which one. It doesn't matter overly much, i was ju- THE EAGLES! Yup, that one about the deceiving eyes:

"You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise"

This is a strong start to your poem - i've always liked the idea of eyes being windows to the soul; the image of something haunting the brown depths of this person's eyes and the lonely expanse of coastline which your words evokes fits the whole theme of your poem. The image works nicely.

2) My voice pleads for an explination,
trying to coax the snake from Eden.
You merely look the other way,
offering the simple "I'm okay."

I think i already mentioned the misspelling of the word 'explanation' here. Again the first two lines are strong, the last two, not so much. Doesn't mean to say there's anything wrong with them, just that the 'coaxing the snake from Eden' line overshadows them. It explains well in two simple lines the attempts made to make this person open up.
The choice to rhyme the words 'explanation' and 'Eden', although unconventional, is effective. The only thing I'd advise for this stanza is to change the 'the' to an 'a' in the line "offering the simple, "I'm okay."'

3) Your lie drips with painful sin,
poisoning the trust I had within.
The breath escapes my chest,
desperately choking my heart with unrest.

Again the first two lines are great - they fall off the tongue (or through the mind) easily like icecream on your tongue on a hot summer's day. I dunno what i'm talking about with the ice-cream thing, but i want some, so i thought i'd share it with you. Also, this poem is pretty depressing and it's already doing a good job of sucking me into despondancy. Hence, ice-cream! Or maybe even an ice-lolly (yes, i know ice-lolly sounds gay but that's what we call popsicles over here).
Now, shall i pull my punches with you or stick to being kind? Meh. I'm gonna go for it. I think 'chest' and 'unrest' - although perfectly fine sounding, and i like the shortness of line three compared to line four - does sound a little forced, like it was the easy rhyming option so you took it. You've already shown you're not afraid to use words that rhyme unusually, so don't get cold feet now.

4) Why do you leave me wondering in the dark?
Wishing you to be my morning lark?
Waiting for you to call forth the days light?
Needing you to wake me from this plight?

I like the idea of this person being your morning lark and calling forth the day's light. It conjures images of waking up in the morning with that special someone lying next to you. Tis a stolen moment: warm, peaceful, sleepily content. The fact this stanza is the direct opposite of this - you have been bereft of such stolen moments because of this person's inability to be open with you - really makes you feel the pain and loss behind the words.

Only niggles: 'day's light' rather than 'days light'.
And i don't like the word 'plight' so much. Maybe because it's not used very often in everyday speech anymore. I don't know. It's just my own preference and not something you have to pay any attention to, so feel free to ignore me. Just this once though - everything else i utter is true and most times profound.

5) Speak to me like you used to,
offer your heart's secrets anew.
Throw down these high walls,
and let me catch you from your fall.

This is all good. Simple, to the point, probably the way you spoke to this person when your patience was growing thin. The punchy, one- to two-syllable letters and direct orders and proactive verb usage like 'Throw' and 'catch you' are a nice touch, whether you meant to do that or not.

6) This stand alone complex cannot last,
an army of one simply falls too fast.
I would hold your hand in mine,
together we could form the front line.

Like Sam said in the comment down there *points to comment below this one* your 'army of one simply falls too fast' line is wonderful. I'd like to go a step further and say i think this entire verse is awesome. Most definitely my favourite of the entire piece. I have a love of war poetry and your symbolism of soldiers and the threat of oncoming battle does truly speak to me. I only wish i could write stuff like this. In fact, when i read lines like these, it makes me want to try all the harder to be a better wordsmith.
Wordsmith.
I like that.
Although i'm not totally sure what it means.

7) I cannot help, though,
if you don't allow me to know.
So until you are ready,
I will hold steadfast at your boundaries.

Hmm *rubs chin thoughtfully* i see what you mean about this stanza. It doesn't deliver the same punch at the rest. The final line is good, i think. Your use of imagery and symbolism has been top notch so far - maybe that's what this verse is missing: it's just a straight, unhidden reveal of your thoughts. Maybe you could continue the frontline imagery or even use some new ones; you talk about constancy here, of being there for this person until they are ready to talk. Maybe you could use the Trojan horse metaphor of sneaking into this person's defenses - not to conquer, but to strengthen their fortifications from the inside, adding your support. For you know what they say - a problem shared is a problem halved. Damn, I really am a sucker for sayings and shit, ain't I? And i'm sorry, i kinda ran with the History Channel thing there - i got overly enthusiastic. My bad.

8) I will wait for you to open the door,
and let me help you like you did before.
All I need,
is for you to speak.

The last line is perfect. Don't change it or i'll have to do something mean. It may even involve a fourway telephone call with Bet and Mo where i bring up the subject of purple dragons and then hang up and leave you alone with them.
In fact, i can't find much wrong with this stanza. I like the shortness of the last two lines, for what is there else to say? This is what your whole poem has been about; all you need is for them to speak and maybe everything will be okay again. Maybe not. But thems the breaks, sweet. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Shit happens. Then you die.

*Breathes a sigh of relief that his comment is finally finished and looks back at it proudly* Tis a pretty good length. *Nods, satisfied* I hope you feel special that i chose to bequeath you my most epic comment on ES, because i feel that you shared something of yourself in this poem. I had a fine time reading it despite the unhappiness that lies beneath the words. I tend to like depressing shit though, so keep it up :D

Right, Bob, I think i shall leave you with one more comment:

Can you believe Oedipus boinked his own mother? How fucked up is that?

Sparky.
| Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
  wow...this was pretty cool. i absolutely loved this line,

"an army of one simply falls too fast."

It's very beautifully put.

The whole piece does not have a harsh feel to it, which i like. Some people have a tendency to get angry when others refuse to confide in them...im glad your poem doesn't give off that feel to it...it makes it so much better:)

Hope things go well with your friend,
Sam
| Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by Falling Rain | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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