Description: If you get a chance this also ties in with my last piece provocation... Although its a little more elaborated and the storyline has grown up. My head keeps screaming thoughts... so here this is:
Let’s steal away to our blurry vision
Our magic dream of in-definition
This time let’s wait for the shadows to rise
And play tricks with our time’s great surprise
We’ll let the moment be its own eternity
And scrape the past for every memory
Let’s cling to shades of gray and lust
For life’s reflection and miraculous touch
Let’s drink our regret and share our passion
And create simple songs only we can imagine
This time we’ll test our progressive limits,
Pushing our charm ‘til our bodies drown in it
This time you’ll spark my risky allure
And purge the mood of childish care
This time reveal the thoughts that you curse
I need to taste those delicious words
The first stanza seems to me like a call to a loss of perception: "blurry vision", "in-definition", "shadows", "play tricks with"
It's like your asking yourself and others to be deceived. Neat.
And then in the second stanza, its a call to cling to the past: "And scrape the past for every memory"
The third stanza reminds me of 1 Corinthians 15:32:
"If, like men, I have fought with wild beasts at Ephesus, of what good is it to me? If the dead are not to be raised up, “let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we are to die.”
I like the first line of the third stanza the best:
"Let’s drink our regret and share our passion"
Share it with me, won't you?
Now, the last stanza eludes me a bit. Is this a continuation of passion?
"I need to taste those delicious words" --> what are those words? Are they "I love you"? Or are they something else? And why are they delicious? I'm just curious.
This is an interesting poem, and it has a lot hiding under its skin. I wonder what it is trying to tell me...
Reads well, nice use of words I agree with Amber, I really like these lines:
'We’ll let the moment be its own eternity
And scrape the past for every memory'
A few things, firstly with the first stanza, I think the third line somehow contradicts the first two. Obscurely though, it just didn't work for me. I think because you say 'let's do this' then 'next time we'll do this' and it reads like that, but it seems like you're trying to convey them both as the same event. So just have a wee look at that, maybe you could switch lines 1 and 2 with 3 and 4.
Your rhyming scheme works nicely throughout and I like the use of assonance instead of perfect rhymes in places. There was one place where I didn't think it worked because of rhythm and stress though:
'Next time we’ll test the outer limits,
Pushing our charm ‘til our bodies drown in it'
It's a cool pair of lines but the strong syllable in the first part of the rhyme is 'lim' in limit and the second part of the rhyme doesn't have any strong syllables because the stress is on 'drown'. It's alright but just requires more careful reading.
There are a few things don't understand but I think they should be left and don't need explaining because they sound cool/work well:
'Let’s cling to shades of gray' seems rather vague but it may be alluding to something, I don't know the figurative meaning of 'shades of gray', I should find that out I like the added 'lust' on the end, yeah 'shades of lust' works well, neat idea.
I wonder what the 'thoughts that you curse' are, I had a few ideas and I wonder why the other character curses those thoughts and the first person wants to 'taste those delicious words'. By the way, maybe it's just me - and even though I don't fully understand the meaning - I don't think 'delicious' works here. I guess because you are tasting the words but maybe something that doesn't relate to taste would work better.
One more thing, this line semi-works, I mean it can work but I don't know if you picked it up. With 'And purge the mood of childish demure', 'demure' is an adjective so I don't think it quite works in this case, for example, replace it with a synonym:
'And purge the mood of childish shy'
or
'And purge the mood of childish humble'
'Shy' and 'humble' are both adjectives so it doesn't quite read right, to make it read right you would replace them with 'shyness' and 'humility'; this case 'demureness'. But that of course, doesn't fit with your rhyme scheme, so if you want to change it, have a look!
Sweet, hope this helps, I might read your previous piece. Good write this one.
Submission Name: Sometime, Someplace
I agree with Amber, I really like these lines: