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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Anticipation of Cold Handsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: clovernfoxglove
    Elite Ratio:    5.16 - 76/83/33
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 60
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 435



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Anticipation of Cold Handsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In winding river
    waters deep
    the fluid chill
    that runs through veins
    in summer heat

    a loss of Childhood
    death of peace
    the ancient fight
    danse macabre
    and end of me

    ...and the dreams-they are but ice crystal
    Breath
    clinging to the edge of the winter wind
    and still they pierce
    frost fingers-the anticipation of cold hands




    Submitted on 2007-10-17 10:39:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The stanzas are too choppy for my taste and the ellipses are really unnecessary since it's too long of a pause and throws the flow of the poem into a derailment.


    The imagery is also very inconsistent and not up to snuff. Why the hell do you switch from a river to describing an empathetic feeling with summer? It makes no sense with the grammar you've set in place. Really, the choppyness also shows the bad grammar side of it.

    I'm assuming you were going for assonance rhyme as none of the endings are consistent.

    As for the final cluttered stanza, the whole hyphenated sequence makes no sense either. It sounds like poetic fat. As well as, it looks like you're doing it wrong as the inner thought of the hyphenated material is not a random break in thought--like this for instance--and instead, sounds like a division for explanatory use. Maybe colonize the first hyphen and turn the last one into a period.

    Also, the inclusion of the title at the end isn't needed.

    As for the poem ,overall, there are some simple grammatical things to fix. ("runs through veins" should be "run through veins", etc) As for the rest, there's potential.

    Try to strengthen the imagery more and keep that fluidity that you're trying to achieve.


    | Posted on 2007-10-17 00:00:00 | by Skyhawk | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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