Description: Ok I wrote this with a friend (mel) a few weeks ago.. i need a name for it o0
Tell me what you think -------------------------------------------
Here I break
Struggling for each
Breath I take.
I see my shadow in the moonlight.
Here I dream
Hoping ill wake
from this nightmare
falling from a building
hoping someone will catch my fall.
Here I fall
Believing that I will
Never heal.
Here I scream
Praying that my emotions
Will feel real.
this is not
how i want to end it all
that lucky person
broke my fall.
caught in the web of
my lies
then you look
in to my eyes
then i say my last good byes.
and sing those lullabyes.
will i fall or will i die
people always see through my lies.
hoping that and wishing upon a star
if you see me after dark
and hear those sparrows hark
youll know that my heart does still beat.
Here I fall
Believing that I will
Never heal.
Here I scream
Praying that my emotions
Will feel real.
will i fall or will i die
people always see through my lies.
your holding the key to my heart
hoping for a fresh start.
spun a web of disaster
hoping for a happy ever after.
I can probably see this as a song or whatever, it had the verses, but to be honest it didnt grab my attention like some of your others
I did like it, but I would change a few things, mainly just -
"Here I scream
Praying that my emotions
Will feel real. "
Emotions will always feel real so its kind of weird to say this, and if you are screaming, obviously you are full of emotion and reality
dont be offended please, I love your writings
I think you have much talent, I just wanted to say a few things and then Ill leave you alone =P
anyways good job on this, just read it over and edit
thats the way of a good poet.
-Bill
Submission Name: Tell me what you think
