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    dots Submission Name: Let You Downdots

    Author: skinnard
    ASL Info:    22 male New York
    Elite Ratio:    2.17 - 38/76/49
    Words: 301
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 810
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1825


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLet You Downdots

    What have I become?
    A monster, a beast
    Something so foul and should never be released
    Out of control, all out of hope
    To ever return to standards acceptable
    What have I done?
    Nothing good
    Just evil deeds and the devils work
    No longer feeling what once was so right
    Falling apart, becoming allergic to light
    Becoming a stranger to you and even a stranger to me
    I've let the worst get the best of me
    I've taken the pain and bottled it in
    Set it aside and let it hide
    Now unleashed at full force at everyone
    Blind, no longer recognizing the ones I love
    I have forgotten about my future
    And I live in the past
    Can't get over it, how long will this last
    Can't get through to me, Give it up now
    I've let you down
    Forgotten about all that was supposed to be
    What was meant to be, but no longer possible
    I loved you, love you so lost in these words
    Lost, confused, I don't know anymore
    Don't know what to do, don't know what to say
    I've let you down and its more than I can take
    But not enough to make me change
    What is wrong with me
    These thoughts in my head, much more than a headache
    Help me, please help me. No get away
    Infectious disease and you will not be saved
    You will not be spared, no matter my hearts desire
    Start with the source and set me on fire
    I love you more than a heart ever could
    But my brain wont let my heart , function as it should
    It merely allows me to embrace this hell and where the devils crown
    So I'm torn apart and I apologize
    Because I've let us down
    I've let you down

    Submitted on 2007-10-19 06:44:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nice write man! i can understand fully what you are saying and feeling.
    Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Kube | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem encompasses a powerful message, but the way in which you're showing it is a little weak. Maybe the first thing you should do is add proper punctuation (you're missing lots of commas, periods, question/exclamation marks, apostophres, etc). To me, it seems like you had all this emotion bottled up and you just had to let it out in this poem, so you've overlooked the small details in the rush to get it all written down; it happens to all us poets. Also, if you cut down on some unnecessary words, this piece could sound more sincere and poetic. For example:

    "Falling apart, becoming allergic to light Becoming a stranger to you and even a stranger to me"
    could be changed to "Falling apart, allergic to light/I'm a stranger to you and even to me"

    "It merely allows me to embrace this hell and where the devils crown"
    could be changed to "It only allows me to embrace this hell where the devils [devil's? devils'?] crown"

    These are merely suggestions. Now, for the good stuff. There are a lot of poems out there that revolve around this theme, but you've used some interesting phrases and expressions here. For example, I thought "allergic to light" was a creative way to express the narrator's [hopefully not you?] pain. My favorite lines were "I love you more than a heart ever could/
    But my brain wont let my heart function as it should." They show the ambivalence between love and logic.

    I think this piece has a lot of potential; you just need to trim it and tidy it up a little more. But overall it's a great piece. Thanks for sharing.

    | Posted on 2007-10-19 00:00:00 | by Coeur Lazulis | [ Reply to This ]

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