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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deus ex Machinadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Coeur Lazulis
    ASL Info:    17/f
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 39/21/6
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 892
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 501



    Description:
       I originally meant for this poem to be about materialism--how people are so preoccupied with other things that they can't appreciate a simple sunset in the city (as described here). But now I'm starting to wonder if I succeeded in getting the message across...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeus ex Machinadots
    -------------------------------------------


    The city line exploded into fire,
    the flame crawling along metal and glass;
    and those who stood by watched it climb higher.
    The sky was surrendered to that caress.

    "Forever" is dwindled to asphalt veins:
    a velvet town where warmth has taken leave;
    a violet town that dreams of hurricanes
    and people who survive on make-believe.

    The city line, the metallic perfume,
    and its silver emptiness lost in bloom.




    Submitted on 2007-10-19 10:13:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      The city line exploded into fire,
    the flame crawling along metal and glass;
    and those who stood by watched it climb higher.
    The sky was surrendered to that caress.



    There's a very good chance someone will view this post as the aftermath of materialism and corporate greed (such as a mushroom cloud engulfing the city rather than a symbolic sunset as the soul of the town departs from the machinery of its existence). This is a well crafted work worthy of serious appraisal.

    Nicely done
    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-11-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Its good Dude, but i think it should of been a little longer. There was soo mumch more u
    could have said. Take yr time man. But ya,
    I liked it.

    Late, Joshua
    | Posted on 2007-11-11 00:00:00 | by oononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice stuff! However, a very intricate poem with twist and turns.

    The titled of the poem is Latin or French? I feel like I was trying to hit a knuckle ball pitch.

    I am unsure of the subject matter, thus unable to really dissect and interpret poem.

    Is this some type of futuristic robotic city on a distant planet and being controlled by advanced artificially intelligent robots?

    Maybe I am getting too carried away with this. Indeed, I prefer the minimal simplistic style of poetry.(few words, but maximum effect on the reader)

    I want to read more of your poetry writing to get a better feel. Keep sharing.


    FireFly747
    | Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by FireFly747 | [ Reply to This ]
      without the introduction i would not have gathered the sunset, however the imagery is very well done, bravo to you sir.

    i see the bit about the "flame" climbing higher, which seems to suggest sunrise instead. perhaps fix that?

    the first stanza seems to point towards the folk actually paying attention, which is opposite what you intended.

    but still, regardless of all that, and what you intended, this is a wonderful piece.

    much enjoyed.

    ~Keegan Ryan Gilmore
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      "climb higher." is this referring to the sunset rays on the buildings or the sun itself?
    "the sky surrendered to that caress" fits the syllable count.
    "live" on make-believe might be better. Ahh.

    Disregarding that, however, you intended this to be about materialism. I get the general sense of apathy, but without your description as introducing the piece I'd be lost as to what on earth the connection between the sunset and the people was, unless the last two lines can somehow be extended to make a more refined ending. It's an interesting subject matter, nonetheless, and the first I've seen to take it to that part of the imagery circle. The sunset over the city is well described. I can see myself in the "asphalt veins" and "silver emptiness" part, gives a pulse to it.

    Welcome to ES, blue-hearted one.

    Cheers
    Zurie.
    | Posted on 2007-10-20 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    151390

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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