I hung up the phone today, and burst into tears. I don't know why I did this. I'm really not sure what I was crying about. Yes, there are things in my life to cry about, but this didn't seem to have anything to do with any of them. As soon as it started, it was over. I buried my face in my hands, gave a few sobs, felt tears run down my cheeks, and then I was done.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure what's going on. It's taken me almost twenty five years to figure out that I can be attractive to the opposite sex. It's taken me two years to discover that I can have amazing sex with someone besides the guy that ripped my heart out of my chest. It will take me the rest of my life to figure out why me and my sister will never just be completely peaceful with one another. It will take me another lifetime to figure everything else out.
I want love. I know, this is quite crazy to be coming from me. But I believe that I might be able to take that chance. To give of myself with that reckless abandon that I once had. To wrap myself in that peculiar passion that only comes from deep inside you. I long to be in that place again, that particular sense of being where you wake up in the morning knowing that someone loves you. That is a truly amazing place to dwell.
I want to dance. I want to find a crowded room, packed with bodies, and just lose myself in the music, allowing my body to go where it pleases. I want to twirl around in circles. I want to abandon all my inhibitions.
I want passion. I want to wrap myself up in one beautiful, shining moment. To feel my limbs entwined with someone else...an exhausted pretzel that smells of sex and satisfaction. I want the scent of someone else's skin on my body, the taste of them on my lips. I ache to be filled.
Not only do I want to love, I want to be loved. I want to remember what that feels like. To wake up every morning with someone's name on my lips, and know that they are there. To roll over and lay my head on their chest, and they in turn stroke my hair. I want to remember what it feels like to have someone look at me like I am the most beautiful and desired creation in all mankind. I want to be able to look at someone again, and see no one but them. I have a misty recollection of what I think it once was. I want late night rides down the road, early morning sex, showers where no one really gets clean, slow dances in the parking lot, shared smiles and laughs that make sense to no one but us, movies that are never finished, music that completes the moment. I want to claim someone as my own.
I don't know what this is. The product of a chilly fall night? I lie here alone in my bed, certain songs playing all night long, my heart beating heavily in my chest. It seems like there is a weight there...a persistent slowing of my blood that will leave me incapable of feeling anything. I can't be this cold. I long for heat again. Give me a reason for my heart to beat, a reason to stay awake, a reason to be alive...because my last one has expired, and the cold is progressing towards a long and difficult winter. I'm not sure if I will survive this one.
"Sure, I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time, let's go there
Lay down beside me."