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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Theftdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: superman
    ASL Info:    21 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695/377/71
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 939
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610



    Description:
       This piece needs a lot of work, especially the ending....Just posting it to see what comments I would see...as you can tell I'm new....:O)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTheftdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He was not a theif by practice
    But his skill was none too bad
    He had stolen other hearts
    And this one babe, he had

    As he charmed her up
    His smile, it broadened deeper
    He had this fish hooked up
    And this one was a keeper

    Too bad she smacked his hand back
    And said, "To hell with you
    These mind games drive me crazy
    And I love someone new."

    "Patience is a virtue
    But waiting is a sin
    Your little ride is finished
    Game over, and I win."





    Submitted on 2004-06-22 23:27:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Actually, I like this a lot. I think it's better than Sky's Viewpoint. Again, the first stanza is weak: I think you might be able to start with the second stanza if you edited it a bit. I think you should work on the image of the hooked fish: it's powerful. Third stanza I think you could break from the rhyming pattern. It may just be me, but I think it'd have more impact if it was just:
    Too bad she smacked his hand back
    And said: "To hell with you
    These mind games drive me crazy.

    I think only you can work on this poem, so I can't offer many more suggestions, but I think this is good. My advice would be not to feel like you have to stick to a rigid structure or rhyme pattern in your poetry, although if it's what works for you, that's fine of course.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-07-02 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      thats awesome meh don't listin to this sugarmouse shes all like you write good for your age holy crap shes only 17 no offence anways i thought it was a great write i really like the ending
    [Your little ride is finished
    Game over, and I win."]
    i thought was was crazy good well i liked it (thumbs up)
    | Posted on 2004-07-13 00:00:00 | by AnDrew Guy | [ Reply to This ]


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