Theft by superman

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Submission Name: Theft dots

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Author:	superman
ASL Info:	17 Lady
Elite Ratio:	7.4 - 695/375/70
Words:	107

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	286
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	610

Description:
This piece needs a lot of work, especially the ending....Just posting it to see what comments I would see...as you can tell I'm new....:O)

Theft

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He was not a theif by practice
But his skill was none too bad
He had stolen other hearts
And this one babe, he had

As he charmed her up
His smile, it broadened deeper
He had this fish hooked up
And this one was a keeper

Too bad she smacked his hand back
And said, "To hell with you
These mind games drive me crazy
And I love someone new."

"Patience is a virtue
But waiting is a sin
Your little ride is finished
Game over, and I win."

Submitted on 2004-06-22 23:27:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Actually, I like this a lot. I think it's better than Sky's Viewpoint. Again, the first stanza is weak: I think you might be able to start with the second stanza if you edited it a bit. I think you should work on the image of the hooked fish: it's powerful. Third stanza I think you could break from the rhyming pattern. It may just be me, but I think it'd have more impact if it was just:
Too bad she smacked his hand back
And said: "To hell with you
These mind games drive me crazy.

I think only you can work on this poem, so I can't offer many more suggestions, but I think this is good. My advice would be not to feel like you have to stick to a rigid structure or rhyme pattern in your poetry, although if it's what works for you, that's fine of course.

Becky
| Posted on 2004-07-02 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
thats awesome meh don't listin to this sugarmouse shes all like you write good for your age holy crap shes only 17 no offence anways i thought it was a great write i really like the ending
[Your little ride is finished
Game over, and I win."]
i thought was was crazy good well i liked it (thumbs up)
| Posted on 2004-07-13 00:00:00 | by AnDrew Guy | [ Reply to This ]

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