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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bleeding Timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ari Leukos
    ASL Info:    17/Male/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.92 - 92/129/44
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 79
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 772



    Description:
       A poem for class.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBleeding Timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Light lain upon a straw-strewn bed;
    Look up!—the sky, it marks the time
    As if to spin the seconds, since you were mine;
    Pinpricked eyes, they are like stars
    Peering through past suns' crimson wine.

    Do you hear them speak? Are you led
    To halt your breaths and silence the noise
    That screams like ticking clocks? That restless voice
    Upon your fireplace mantle
    Where only dark blue flames burn, by you anguished choice.

    The clocktower is a vile leech, and you are bled;
    Would that I knew where you are!
    In this dismal, shrouded haze, it can't be far—
    Only far from life in burning sun and time;
    A low bell tolls, and beneath the wall passes your star.




    Submitted on 2007-10-21 17:19:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It instinctually grabs hurls a lot of modern romantics at you - perfect for being read aloud. And the good thing about that is I think you can just pick one line to emphasize on so that your listeners can take it in and allow it to reverberate inside you in an almost cruel fashion, letting the other words color it.

    The piece in itself is really solid. It comes at you with you a good emotional structure and it seems to not care about the kind of impression it makes - a characteristic that makes it beautifully quirky and colorfully human.

    I have a question though.

    Would that I knew where you are! - Does that really go as such or is that a typo and the real line writes - with that I knew where you are?

    And I know that I told you I like the quirkiness earlier but I think that putting an exclamation point in that line just makes it a bit too much. I don't know, it feels too ecstatic to justify the feeling. But maybe that's just me and my relationship with that punctuation mark.

    Anyway, I think that the piece is good. It ran through me almost willingly.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      nice.
    i love the image of stars in the barely night sky,visible just as the sun is leaving and coloring the sky.
    "to pause your breaths..." hmm that little bit doesn't quite roll off the tongue.
    "to halt your breaths...?"
    "to pause your breathing...?"
    not sure.
    i'm left wondering what lies on the other side of the wall where time does not exist.
    well done.
    1
    | Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by eno1 | [ Reply to This ]


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