How to kiss, cry, and lose. -------------------------------------------
Never had he believed
in the beauty of a tear.
Until a girl with costume shop wings
replaced those thoughts of phoenixes
(and the spooky songs they sing.)
Now, he so profoundly regrets
learning about the simplicity of lips,
through the complexity of her kiss.
Gone are the tears and kissing, but not her final lesson.
(It’s hardest to forget what you most greatly miss.)
I think that this piece shows a lot of potential because it is created over a skeleton of a concept that has good bone structure. My only issue with it is that the flesh and the meat of the piece are so full of appendages that are either too unrecognizable to connect with or seemingly too useless to inspire connection. In fact, I think that the piece can stand on its own if you just ended with the first stanza minus the line inside the parenthesis.
Never had he believed
in the beauty of a tear.
Until a girl with costume shop wings
replaced those thoughts of phoenixes
That, I think is really beautiful. It generates a thought of growth, of change, of inspiration caused by beauty. It simply yet concisely solidifies a thought that floats in the consciousness without being weighed down by any useless add ons.
I have just one more suggestion though. If you are really hell bent on using the concept of "phoenixes" I think that you should put it in between quotation marks as to release it from the positive image that phoenixes always come with in the general world of literature. By putting in "phoenix," it would easily come across as something from a cartoon, or a toy or a symbolic figure that he holds on to. And this angel-wing wearing girl makes him want to be a man, makes him want to seperate himself from the fantasy and down to earth, down to life. It exemplifies how she inspires the growth in him.
Now I am not against letting a person's inner child exist within him. But I am against the notion of denying the existance of everything else. It is fairly anti-life. And this piece, I think exemplifies that notion.
But then again, maybe that's not what you are after.
Anyway, my comments are yours to do with as you please.
Again, I think that this is beautiful and inspiring - simple yet full of depth.
should your title be loose or lose?
im thinking it should perhaps be lose.
i dont think there was enough in this piece in some ways. it was over too quickly and im sure, if this piece was based on a real experience/incident, it lasted a whole lot longer in real life...
so try to put yourself back in that place with the thoughts and the feelings [or put yourself in the shoes anyways] and flesh this piece out more. i think you parenthesised lines cut off the ideas/thoughts and cause it to stop any possible flow of thought.
i like the costume shop wings. i like that the narrator [who seems like an onlooker in this incident] is aware that the wings are fake. they arent making this girl out to be anything amazing or special... she is a girl in fake wings.
i question your use of phoenix though.
in writings the phoenix is usually a form that rises from the ashes of nothing and soars... i cannot think why one would abandon their thoughts of such hope...
what is so complex about a kiss?
what is it that left him confused?
im assuming her final lesson to be that which is written in parenthesis?
i think it is hard for the reader because the way you have written this piece it would seem he was meeting her for the first time when she came along with her costume store wings and there is nothing in the piece to indicate the passing of time and so, when i read it, i am left wondering how he can miss something he has only known for a very short time... perhaps give that some thought and put in some kind of time line or time marking imagery so that the reader can understand the context of their relationship.
a few things to work on but keep it up. let me know if you do revise. id be keen to check it out
Submission Name: How to kiss, cry, and lose. 
