Wasting Air to be your Motivator by charmedidentity

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Submission Name: Wasting Air to be your Motivator dots

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Author:	charmedidentity
ASL Info:	19/F/International
Elite Ratio:	7.37 - 775/737/284
Words:	176

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	147
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1107

Description:
Just something i wrote for my dad. He was my motivator when i needed him and now he asks me to be his motivator. How can i deny that?

Wasting Air to be your Motivator dots

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Absorb me into this world of idleness
So that I won’t have management of time
Then confiscate the youth I have available
By pretending this is what you envisioned.
I know circumstances forbids my growth
And sometimes I merely have to wait
But what if I never seek to reach further
Then I swallow myself in the shadows.

You wish for me the world of wealth
And I sincerely believe that you do
But I cannot deny the forces in me
Stating how wrong this situation feels.
Simultaneously, I notice your hard work
And I want to support your quest,
So here I stand in the middle of crisis,
I tear my convictions to wait for you.

Love is what still keeps me together
For I would have broken many times
And renounced from being restored,
Thinking what is the use wasting air.
I’m lost in the intense words of sadness
And am hesitant at a positive outcome
But if my support brings you strength
Then I shall stay and be your motivator.

Submitted on 2007-10-21 19:35:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I could not have understood this poem without the explanation or "description". But perhaps it would be easier to understand, if the points from the description were actually written into the poem in plain language - I think it would only take a very few words to make the story more clear.

I have been interested to understand how you use metaphor. "Then I swallow myself in the shadows" is a remarkable line, more like a line in French or German than in ordinary English. The reflexive verb is not handled like that - usually - so that people would usually say: "I let the shadows swallow me" or "I hide myself in the shadows" or something like that! So it is a curious line - it makes one think!

I believe now, that you ought to try a short poem consisting entirely of metaphor or dream-imagery. It is something to develop after your current triumph in which you are writing clearly, in plain words, about some very subtle feelings and relationships.

It is time to learn some further aspect of your art,
an aspect which you have not opened up yet. I believe this will require reading a lot of poetry. I can't explain what I mean without being boring - but I think this is a good hint to get more expressive power. Because it is the expressive power which you are trying to increase; but I think you have reached a plateau, so that new technique is needed for new stimulus.
| Posted on 2008-03-19 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  It feels a bit tight to me and I think that tightness can work for the piece if you're really trying to project an image of frustration. It is a good way to illuminate the stereotypical woman-behind-the-man image that clearly sets the mood for this piece.

However, this tightness could also be a double-edged sword. I have a few pieces that are just as tight so I kinda know how it feels. Sometimes, I think that the reader tends to read it too fast that they miss key points of the poem. And sometimes, it also tends to overwhelm them regardless of how simple the concepts are.

But anyway, the choice is yours should you choose to edit this.

Overall, the piece is pretty solid.

| Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  After reading your description....I can understand where you are going with this. I think it makes sense...and I'm sure it can be hard to stay beside someone and continue to motivate them when you wish to go about your own life in other ways...but since you love the person, you continue to do whatever it takes to help them carry on. I like your use of words...it was written well without completely losing the reader. High Five!

Amber
| Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
  i think you missed an r in your title...

theres only one thing that is clear to me in this piece... that you are emotionally torn and heavy. this ooozes from the words you have written here but the words themselves are not very clear and give the reader very little insight into the situation.

it could be quite possible that in writing this is helped you work out your resolve or atleast remind you what your intentions are and that is a good thing in itself.
if you mean for others to be able to understand and identify with you then you will have to make the situation a little more clear.

good to read you as always.
i hope things work out for you
| Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you have left out the "r" in the "you" of the title.
It sounds that your dad has become incapacitated. I bid you and he well.
I like,"Love is what still keeps me together----thinking what is the use of wasting air."
| Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]

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