Fugitive by annie0888

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Submission Name: Fugitive dots

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Author:	annie0888
ASL Info:	44/f/LA
Elite Ratio:	5.59 - 279/246/75
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	103
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	563

Description:

Fugitive dots

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The only thing this poem lacks

is a great line about that flash

that was in my head this morning flopping

in and out between dream and waking

like an impassioned salmon jumping upstream –

silver shimmer on the lam.

The moment it leaps out of the water again

I’ll catch it barehanded, and wrestle it down

so fast it won’t have time to call its lawyer

before it’s deboned and dressed for dinner.

Submitted on 2007-10-21 20:44:03 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  A few years ago, I took my baby cousin to the carnival for her birthday. There were fireworks that night, there were a lot of people in beautifully extravagant costumes and a lot of lights. I got on this ride called "the Flying Fiesta..."

...which basically swings you around so fast that it seems as though it would hurl you at the moon. It lasted for 3 minutes (I think) and during that time, I wrote in my head what might have been one of the best pieces of literature I've ever written at that time. But since we were in a carnival and my cousin wanted to get on the Anchors Away I decided to not write it just yet.

When I got home, the piece was already gone. I could no longer find the words. It felt as though the piece felt neglected and just decided to disappear.

I can probably write pieces that are better than that one nowadays. But I stilled would've loved to have written that one.

The thing about life is that, while taking it too seriously takes the fun out of it, there are a lot of oppurtunities that may only come once. It is so unpredictable that we have to capitalize on every single chance to make ourselves better people. And if we miss that chance, all we can really do is get over it and try to do better next time. And in the process of getting over it, there is a space inside us that feels abandoned, and that is probably one of the worst feelings ever.

Anyway, this is a pretty good piece. I like the solidity and the light-heartedness that, in a way, compliments without aggravating the weight brought by the piece.

| Posted on 2007-10-25 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a very funny poem! The second last line, especially, is classic.

I would suggest you add in a pun about the double meaning of "line"(as fishing gear, and a grammatical entity).
I like the pun on "dressed", as in an idea has to be fashioned for the audience, and fish have to seasoned and polished off. The alliteration is a bonus.

"in and out between dream and waking"
how about:
in and out between knowing and not knowing

Take care!
| Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
  the one that got away...

when i think fisherman i think "the only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another a liar" though i am not looking to insinuate you are lying.

this makes me think of the tenacious d song 'tribute' which is a song sung in tribute to the greatest song in the world though it sounds nothing like the song... its quite funny.
and to think you have written a poem about the poem idea that got away... thats quite witty of you

your image of the salmon upstream is cool... dont they jump upstream in order to find their mate and make eggs or something? kinda cool... like a forerunner of pieces to come and seasons past.
| Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  This is another piece on the flash-thought of futility. We are always wrestling with dreams which have a seemingly purpose but just as the salmon there is no after joy.
I would have put third line in parentheses or separated it with commas since it is an after-thought of what the flash was doing. The same can be said about line 6. The purpose of punctuation here would be like you are in the presence of the reader actually giving out other small pieces of information to enhance your face to face conversation. As is, there is no breath-stop for the reader to digest what has been said,thus, reducing the piece to saying ,"Let's get it over with."
Otherwise, it is an enjoyable piece of comedy.

| Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
  hehehe... I wrote the big one once but it got away. No seriously....I swear.

I genuinely enjoy I can't write a poem poems... for the simple fact that I so completely understand. I lose bits and pieces all the time lost in my time warped mind.

I like the simple 'gotcha' humor in this as well as the fish metaphor....slice 'em and dice 'em I always say.
| Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]

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