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    dots Submission Name: Child In Autumndots

    Author: Rainmaker
    ASL Info:    23 / M / Finland
    Elite Ratio:    4.84 - 45/50/19
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 730
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 736

       Tsk tsk. There are prolly some misspelled words etc, dont stick to them too badly thank you :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChild In Autumndots

    Like the trees
    at the autumns heart
    So I see you
    A Whirlpool of colors
    Changing 'n' laughin'
    Picturing you
    Dancing rapidly
    Spinning and spinning
    Around Around you go
    Like the leaves that drop
    And spun, the endless

    Like the autumn so are you
    The most beautiful of
    the seasons - and you of all.
    When you laugh, its the sound
    that warms me so - like a warm hearth
    At the darkening evenings.

    When the nature gives its last
    puff of life before going to sleep
    Lie down and fall into the land
    Of dreams, showing the joy and
    The peace of mind and time.

    Submitted on 2007-10-22 06:42:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the serenity of this piece. I'm not sure if it's because I've been reading a lot of really aggressive pieces lately or it's simply because this format expresses your thought quite well. Either way, I think that it shows a great deal of control and really allows you to sink your teeth in the meat of the issue (or in this case, the feeling.)

    My only issue with it is the excessive repetition. Twice is OK. But thrice, in a piece as solemn as this doesn't really work that well since the sound is already too familiar. It is OK to use repetitions for spiral pieces that have phrases that really need to etched to the readers heart like in Walt Whitman's "Sing the Body Electric." But for pieces like this which flows towards a certain linear direction and is primarily narrative by nature, I think that the repetitions should be very limited. Like in this piece, the concept of spinning has been thrown over and over again in close proximity to each other that it almost seems as though you are drilling that one issue too much.

    But that's just my opinion.

    Anyway, I think that, overall, this piece is pretty solid. It presents a strong sense acceptance in dealing with things of beauty and a sharp taste of wisdom.
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      at the [autums] heart = autumn

    [Spunning] and spinning = ?

    i think this could be better.
    in some ways it seems you are repeating the same idea/image right throughout the piece instead of building it up so the reader can see a) how much you love autumn and b) the characteristics this person displays of autumn which you love.

    its interesting the way people respond to autumn. a lot of the pieces i have read the last couple of days have been grieving for the loss of summer and therefore as a result a despising of autumn piece and yet here you cherish autumn...

    ive always liked autumn. the colours and the hibernation of them.

    i like how you have potentially placed the child and the leaves in the same image so depending which one i think of depends what i come out with at the end.

    i think you could prolly tighten this piece up some though... put in a few more images or take some of the repeating out to make it more crisp.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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