Description: Tsk tsk. There are prolly some misspelled words etc, dont stick to them too badly thank you :)
Child In Autumn -------------------------------------------
Like the trees
at the autumns heart
So I see you
A Whirlpool of colors
Changing 'n' laughin'
Spinning and spinning
Around Around you go
Like the leaves that drop
And spun, the endless
Like the autumn so are you
The most beautiful of
the seasons - and you of all.
When you laugh, its the sound
that warms me so - like a warm hearth
At the darkening evenings.
When the nature gives its last
puff of life before going to sleep
Lie down and fall into the land
Of dreams, showing the joy and
The peace of mind and time.
I like the serenity of this piece. I'm not sure if it's because I've been reading a lot of really aggressive pieces lately or it's simply because this format expresses your thought quite well. Either way, I think that it shows a great deal of control and really allows you to sink your teeth in the meat of the issue (or in this case, the feeling.)
My only issue with it is the excessive repetition. Twice is OK. But thrice, in a piece as solemn as this doesn't really work that well since the sound is already too familiar. It is OK to use repetitions for spiral pieces that have phrases that really need to etched to the readers heart like in Walt Whitman's "Sing the Body Electric." But for pieces like this which flows towards a certain linear direction and is primarily narrative by nature, I think that the repetitions should be very limited. Like in this piece, the concept of spinning has been thrown over and over again in close proximity to each other that it almost seems as though you are drilling that one issue too much.
But that's just my opinion.
Anyway, I think that, overall, this piece is pretty solid. It presents a strong sense acceptance in dealing with things of beauty and a sharp taste of wisdom.
i think this could be better.
in some ways it seems you are repeating the same idea/image right throughout the piece instead of building it up so the reader can see a) how much you love autumn and b) the characteristics this person displays of autumn which you love.
its interesting the way people respond to autumn. a lot of the pieces i have read the last couple of days have been grieving for the loss of summer and therefore as a result a despising of autumn piece and yet here you cherish autumn...
ive always liked autumn. the colours and the hibernation of them.
i like how you have potentially placed the child and the leaves in the same image so depending which one i think of depends what i come out with at the end.
i think you could prolly tighten this piece up some though... put in a few more images or take some of the repeating out to make it more crisp.