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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: 15yearsemotion
    ASL Info:    17*F*Fl
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 40/41/15
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 70
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1101



    Description:
       Have you ever thought of how you would react if u ever got a phonecall one fateful day telling you the person youre in love with is either "touch-and-go" or already dead?

    I do.

    This is what I came up with.

    Hopefully I can incorporate it into my book somehow...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The thought made her stomach clench as ice turned liquid flooded into her stomach, through her veins, traveling to her very core, piercing her heart. She was vaguely aware of the cold cement beneath her, of the pairs of shoes shifting around her, near her, carrying their owners to where they needed to be, before the icy flow threatened to reverse its circulation. Her mind suddenly went dim; she could feel the air separating her brain and her skull, and for a moment this was All she could feel. Everything seemed to go black, yet she could still see, she could still Sense everything around her, surrounding her, as if her mind was saying "Here! Grab on! You're not gone yet! There's still something to cling to!". But she refused, and finally all she saw was darkness, all she Felt was darkness.


    ::in her mind, through the darkness, she thinks to herself, in a state of disbelief:

    ...

    How?

    Why?

    Wha..

    HOW?




    Who would she write for now?




    Submitted on 2007-10-22 15:04:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First..hope your book comes together I know how that feels..

    Second I have to say vivid details are important I was lost for a moment is she just dying because of natural causes or foreign substances?? Or is she upset because her loved one is gone therefore herself like her loved has died on the inside? I'm interested in what your book is about and language doesn't have to be complex we are not walking around talking like professors from Oxford so don't adhere to that keep it up
    Dutchess
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Dutchess_aira | [ Reply to This ]
      To be honest this could use a bit of spicing up
    use some different adjectives/adverbs to make the language a bit more complex, and re read to make sure it sounds good overall
    it was alright, sorry if I sound horrible =p
    I dont mean to be just want to give you my thoughts
    good job, Bill
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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