[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Decaydots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 230/393/145
    Words: 32
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1316
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 248

       Word prompt: edifice.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    and you are sprawling,
    a monolith that forgot
    to stop

    and paralyzed
    like cancer
    of the spine

    not thin,
    but so very wide--
    spread far and hungry
    for home.

    Submitted on 2007-10-22 15:24:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      "and you are sprawling,
    a monolith that forgot
    to stop"

    Man, that's a beautiful introductory stanza. Seems kind of like a myth/legend kind of thing.

    and paralyzed
    like cancer
    of the spine" --> Is this to reflect the "decay" or the fact that the monolith doesn't move? Cancer of the spine is pretty debilitating.

    "not thin,
    but so very wide--
    spread far and hungry
    for home." --> This makes me think of the monolith broken into pieces and scattered far and wide. All the broken pieces are "hungry for home". Interesting personification of this object. At least, I see personification in this stanza.

    This is absolutely wonderful. I've got a new favourite for my list.

    Keep up the excellent writing, saartha!

    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      a monolith that forgot to stop...

    when i was in ethiopia i went for a trip up to the north of the country and saw the monoliths in Axum [and stood outside the church the arc of the covenant is sposedly residing] and it was just awe inspiring the way they stretch right up... up up up so far up that when i stood at the base and looked up i was convinced it was going to fall over...
    one that forgets to stop would be entering heaven or touching the moon almost...

    decay... it is everything you have said it is here. your imagery strikes me as restrained [though suitably so] and as a result the focus is contained and there is very little chance of the reader going off topic and finding things that simply arent there.

    i like the way you convey the never endingness of decay and the way it spreads in any and every direction...

    it takes great skill to write a piece like this. i agree completely with angelo.
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's well crafted.

    It speaks in a very relaxed tone but still manages to force the thought to the reader. It is, in most angles, cold but it's not that hard to warm up to which is good considering the message of your piece.

    Truth is, it's really hard to say a lot about this piece because it is very besic; an analogy of singular element. But of course, that does not make it any less beautiful.

    I think it requires real talent for people to be able to communicate their thoughts without being too extravagant. And more importantly, I think that it requires real talent to be able to recognize the right ingredients to add in order to make something big out of something small.

    And to me, you displayed real talent in this piece.

    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad at all.

    The abrupt beginning seems to work here so I have no trouble ignoring the "and" start off.

    The choppy linebreaks work in the middle too and the lack of punctuation there also does.

    The only thing that's really irking me here is the "but" in the last stanza. You say "not thin but so very wide" and the conjunction just isn't working for me. The building's fat, right but does it have to be on the contrary to being wide? I mean, girth usually goes together with wideness in some ways. Maybe think about changing it to "and"?

    That's all I have. It's hard to critique small poems.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Skyhawk | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]