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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Inocenciadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Coeur Lazulis
    ASL Info:    17/f
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 39/21/6
    Words: 187
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 135
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1206



    Description:
       Took me about a day to think, and 30 mins to write down. This is the first draft.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInocenciadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sometime in the middle of summer
    the natural progression of days halted.
    Some indescribable force awakened,
    and raked its smile over the morning breeze.
    On days like this, I would recede into the ground
    and hope to be shielded from such sincerity;
    so much of these intangible promises of summer rain,
    of these stabs of tranquility—
    all this peace was like helium in my chest,
    and it hurt so much just to hold on to it,
    to attempt a furtive glimpse at its divinity,
    that I would sit by the water’s edge
    and weep at such beauty.
    So much was gained in those interminable months,
    and so much logic was lost in translation.
    It seemed our carbon identity
    was returned in jewel fragments,
    and we could taste the oxygen and light
    as they intoxicated every vein and tissue.
    The trees were altars of pagan offerings
    and the truth vanished in the wind.

    The world contained so much of what’s miraculous,
    so much beauty,
    that I alone knew all the hate it suppressed.

    When your eyes closed,
    the flowers began to bloom.




    Submitted on 2007-10-22 16:55:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sometime in the middle of summer
    the natural progression of days halted.
    Some indescribable force awakened,
    and raked its smile over the morning breeze.
    On days like this, I would recede into the ground
    and hope to be shielded from such sincerity;
    so much of these intangible promises of summer rain,
    of these stabs of tranquility—
    all this peace was like helium in my chest,
    and it hurt so much just to hold on to it,
    to attempt a furtive glimpse at its divinity,
    that I would sit by the water’s edge
    and weep at such beauty.



    This is quite a feat, describing innocence as if it were the very thing lost in the midst of beauty (and that very pain that engulfed the observer were proof enough that humanity is a poor avatar of such visions). To be 16 and view the world as something so transcendant is admirable...powerful. You seem to understand waht a poor conduit poets are to grasp and convey awareness.

    Just my thoughts on the matter.
    Take care and thanks for the kind words.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-11-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I am impressed at your amazing ability to write this well at age sixteen. You have talent and absolutely must keep going, Going, GOING! (I say this from experience because I went from creative writing to business writing and didn't come back to what I truly love (creative) for far too many years.)

    I found no errors to nitpick and no parts that seemed unclear to me. Your observation skills will lead you in the right direction for many amazing poems/writings! I picked just one of many lines that I really liked to highlight. "Raked its smile over the morning breeze" is top notch. I hope to read many more posts from you in the coming months.

    Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
      i adore the start and the end of this piece. i think the middle lost direction a little but that wont be too hard to get back on track...

    Sometime in the middle of summer
    the natural progression of days halted.

    this strikes me as the most understated start to a poem i have read in the longest time. i cannot quite explain what i mean by this but it just seems so quiet and submissive that the power of this image and all it is building up to could easily be missed
    i like that there is no time that is pinpoint... that this event went without notice and it wasnt until after the fact that it was realised that yes... natural progression did in fact stop.

    this is so softly spoken and while you speak of knowing/understanding hate contained in beauty you do it with such grace and gentility it seems to be diffused somewhat...

    im really impressed.
    i shall have to follow your words
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      So this site isn't going to die after all.

    I think that I should begin with the ending.

    To me it felt like the earlier, chunkier part of the piece was being rolled in a ball and that the actual moment of execution, the actual moment of affecting came from the act of throwing that ball. Another analogy would be like you erected this tall building over someone just so that you could make it collapse on his/her head. And it is a beautifully dramatic process.

    I also like the construction of the piece as a whole because it compliments the ending. I like how well you used a flexible vocabulary in the beginning and seemed too colorful as you got in the middle. To me this felt like you were beating around the bush so that when you finally spot the... well... right place to beat at, you could hit it with full force. And that is what you did.

    I think that this is really deserving of applause. I don't mean to be judgemental or anything but considering your age, and the gravity of this piece, I think that you're going to do quite well in this art form.

    I think you show a lot of promise.
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I see you have too much repitition of the Word "and" which may be irritating to the reader. First 'and' could be replaced with "it".
    After 'raked', the 'its' could be replaced with 'a'.
    Second 'and' could be deleted while making a gerund out of 'hope'. Third 'and' with the 'it' could also be deleted to be replaced with the gerund of 'hurt'. Fourth 'and' could be replaced with the gerund of "weep'. Fifth 'and' deleted and the word 'while' to replace it. Sisth 'and' to be replaced by 'that only'. Seventh 'and' replaced with 'to'.
    Perhaps breaking the lines before the triplet would add more interest to this piece.
    Aside from my suggested remakes, this is a lovely serene piece as if one has become a 'child of the universe',communing with love and nature.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      An enjoyable poem!

    Sometime in the middle of summer
    the natural progression of days halted.
    A modest beginning.

    Some indescribable force awakened,
    and raked its smile over the morning breeze.
    On days like this, I would recede into the ground
    and hope to be shielded from such sincerity;
    I really like the use of the word "sincerity". This sincerity verges on officiousness. A sincere sun would burn earth away.

    so much of these intangible promises of summer rain,
    of these stabs of tranquility—
    I don't understand it, but it sounds nice.

    It seemed our carbon identity
    was returned in jewel fragments,
    I think these lines are extremely original and brilliant; the pick-of-the-lot.

    The world contained so much of what’s miraculous,
    so much beauty,
    that I alone knew all the hate it suppressed.
    This is a bit sad. The world is indeed miraculous.


    When your eyes closed,
    the flowers began to bloom.
    Perhaps this refers to the imagination, or to the fact that the cycle will go on...

    Everything considered, I enjoyed th piece, but would like to hear your explanation of it.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautifully done!!! Really. I am terrible at critique so forgive my lack of any suggestions. But in all honesty, I think it is stunning. It lilts across the page. Soft spoken and written with grace. I suppose it speaks to me because (and this is just my take on it) sometimes, when I have that simple connection, it is so overwhelming. To be one with all that surrounds is such a great gift and quite humbling. Humbling in the sense as ego disappears and you are able to find absolute gratitude in the experience. Thanks for reminding me.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]



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