Feelings In The Night by rubymoon

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Submission Name: Feelings In The Night dots

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Author:	rubymoon
Elite Ratio:	4.19 - 128/125/72
Words:	89

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Longing
Total Views:	133
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	546

Description:

Feelings In The Night dots

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A kiss, a touch
A hidden shadow flits
A flame of desire licks
Like a blindfold over my eyes
I can only feel…
Nothing more than feelings
Feelings assault my senses
The breeze on my skin,
Turns into the breath of you
The ache of my arms,
Turns to your tight hold on me
The brushing of my hair,
Turns to kisses from you
On my face, my neck
Teasing me to the brink of madness

But alas… everywhere I turn
I can not see you

Submitted on 2007-10-23 00:06:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think we all want something more than a feeling in the end. We all want something concrete, something we can hold and turn over. Because feelings go away. And that's what we want: something permanent. Something that won't change. Something we can anchor ourselves in.

Technically speaking, I would think you should work on your punctuation. Some of your commas are misplaced. Also, the first three lines start with "A," and it gets repetitive by line three.

I think it's a good poem though. :)
| Posted on 2007-11-03 00:00:00 | by carousels | [ Reply to This ]
  Still wondering?
| Posted on 2007-10-31 00:00:00 | by FallenAngelJC | [ Reply to This ]
  your getting so brilliant!
i mean it. you have come a long way since my first comment on your work thats for sure.

your use of imagery is good and you paint your picture well. you are able to lead the reader on and make them think one thing and then SMASH them with the reality and reason for your writing the piece. in this case it is that all of this is in your head... that there is no one there no matter how much you wish there was...

Feelings assaults my senses

in this line i think you need either "feelings assault" or "feeling assaults"... you cannot have an 's' on both of them.

Teasing me to the [brick] of madness = should be 'brink'

good work doll
| Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked your thoughts, everyone likes to be desired,
maybe the reason I liked this so much. I also like the way you played with your words, especially where you said "Teasing me to the brick of madness" you used brick instead of brink, showing your unwillingness to change.

The last two lines was a shocker
, "But alas… everywhere I turn
I can not see you", making every emotion you displayed a fantasy.

| Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Polydectes | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed reading this, and the ending was very nicely done. I know I'm being picky, but there are a few spots where grammatical conventions kind of knocked me off a bit ("than," not "then"), but other than that, the atmosphere and feel that this poem gives off is very nice. Finally, the beginning three lines are powerful with the repetition of "a," and strong images.
| Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Saidin | [ Reply to This ]

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