Description: Um...i can't members why i wrote this one but i likes it ^.^
Set you Free -------------------------------------------
I feel the pain you complain about
I see your heart bleeding out
You don't believe me when I say
That It's all going to be ok
You stay sulking in depression all the time
There is no silver line
The pain is all you feel
My voice you don't hear
I tell you I will stay with you to the end
And I'll always be your friend
But you don't listen
You think your heart is missing
But remember your not to blame
And I can help you ease the pain
Just let me in
And I can make it end
Just listen to me
I can set you free...
alright i swept through your submissions and stopped at this one. not because it is the best and not because it is ovely exceptional it just hit me like bam, i know how that is. and i frowned, and reread it once more, looking for what clicked with me. i bit my lip, sighed, and didnt get caught up in the errors of mistyped words or messed up rhyme scheme. i just wanted to rearead it a third time. im sorry this is not constructive, but my comment is that this lil diddy held a bit of substance that related to me.
it is interesting to me that while the narrative voice says "i can feel your pain/i can set you free" the object of this piece is not aware of this. they do not respond to the narrators encouragements and empathy.
i guess thats the way life goes sometimes. when one is so intrenched in their pain and sufferring they dont care what other people think they can or cannot feel/do.
im imagining if one was to have any sway in such a situation they would need to SHOW through actions their ability to set a person free rather than talk about it and, if the recipient of this freedom wont recieve it, it could be quite a difficult and ill recieved gesture.
i think you could write this better. i like what manwithnoname has done and i think you could do something like that with it yourself. i guess finding a voice completely unlike anyone elses is the hard part of writing but keep trying to develop one nonetheless.
The fact that "manwithnoname" turned around and immediately submitted his rewrite as given above (at least mentioning the source of his inspiration in his discription) would indicate at least to me that he liked it enough to steal the idea.
I could do that...
"Hamlet"? no, maybe it would be better written as "Piglet", yes!
did you mean "silver lining"? that would be a nice play on the clouds of depression.
What a lovely sentiment...we all need someone who can set us free.
This is alright, but it seems almost too simple and slightly clichéd. I took your poem and made some of my own changes to show you how it could be stronger:
"Your heart,
Its bleeding out,
And your complaints are ringing in my ears.
I reach out to touch you,
But I seem to miss you by miles,
And you stay trapped in the cloak of sadness.
Forever, it seems.
They say every cloud has a silver lining,
But yours is nowhere to be seen.
And you fall into your pit of darkness
Where my words are but ambience
Bouncing off the walls.
Listen, I am true,
I want to pull you out.
I want you to see the sun.
I want you to see me, to let me
Envelop you.
I want to set you free."
What do you think? I just took the lines of your poem and stretched them, morphed them, made them into something different. Hopefully my model helps you somewhat.
Submission Name: Set you Free
