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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Upon reading "Set You Free"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manwithnoname
    ASL Info:    18/M/Ontario
    Elite Ratio:    5.84 - 314/278/117
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 177
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 641



    Description:
       I wrote this in a comment I wrote on Black Angel's poem "Set You Free". I was showing her how her poem could be stronger than it was and I wrote this based on the lines of her poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUpon reading "Set You Free"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your heart,
    Its bleeding out,
    And your complaints are ringing in my ears.
    I reach out to touch you,
    But I seem to miss you by miles,
    And you stay trapped in the cloak of sadness.
    Forever, it seems.

    They say every cloud has a silver lining,
    But yours is nowhere to be seen.
    And you fall into your pit of darkness
    Where my words are but ambience
    Bouncing off the walls.

    Listen, I am true,
    I want to pull you out.
    I want you to see the sun.
    I want you to see me, to let me
    Envelop you.
    I want to set you free.




    Submitted on 2007-10-23 10:21:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i dont like the second stanza at all.
    every cloud has a silver lining/pit of darkness are just so overused and soggy.
    but i do like the idea of the ambience bouncing off walls... if paired with better lines that would be a really amazingly strong line.

    having said that i have read set you free and must say the changes you made to it to show the pieces potential are stunning. sometimes when commenting in the past i have done the same thing. it is interesting the way one can use the same words and sentiments and yet they come across completely different...
    its like Chris Cornells cover of Billie Jean... its as if the song were completely different from the one Michael Jackson sings and yet the words and sentiment of the song hasnt changed...

    the last stanza is nice.
    its almost like you are imploring the person to believe you. that you are giving them all the reasons why you should be more than ambience. it seems so soft and gentle... more like a whisper than anything else.
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Gosh show my poem up . Honestly i like this better then what i wrote. The only thing I don't like is that each stanza (I think thats how it's spelled @.@) has a different number of lines in each one. Other then that I really like it ^.^

    _Kayame_
    | Posted on 2007-10-23 00:00:00 | by Black Angel | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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