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    dots Submission Name: The Insomniacdots

    Author: ares_nuke_1
    Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 106/151/76
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1137
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 462


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Insomniacdots

    The shadow forms to fill the emptiness inside

    it comes packed with pain, misery, and lies

    it fills the heart with guilt causing much unrest

    this must be, it has to be some kind of test

    the emptiness is gone and with it all light

    as the sun sets and day turns to night

    lay the weary head down upon soft pillow

    cry and beg for sleep until it reaches tomorrow

    Submitted on 2007-10-24 02:56:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I completely agree with tiff. I can only add that this piece seems more a collection of random thoughts rather than a smooth flowing piece. Perhaps utilize more imagry in metaphors. There is potential here just untapped.
    good luck

    your friend
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      i am questioning your use of double spacing here? it doesnt seem to contribute anything to the piece.

    i have read a lot of poems about insomnia over my time on this site. i suffer from insomnia and figure i may as well read about something i know. i know nothing about cutting or love so i stay away from those pieces

    i think you are on the way to having a good piece here but i think you have made too general a feel out of your word choice and the agony of being unable to sleep even though your body is so weary and you feel ill from deprivation doesnt seem to manifest itself in this piece.

    but thats not to say it cant.
    you just have to be more focussed and channel your energies to making the reader experience the hopelessness of the situation.

    you have made many broad sweeping statements right throughout this piece which doesnt make the piece personal. what is the pain you speak of? why is it robbing your sleep? if you were to detail this more then the reader would maybe be able to think "yes... that keeps me awake at night too..."

    dont stop here.
    keep messing with this piece.
    i am sure you can make it into a masterpiece yet
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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