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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drugs, Alcohol, & Airbagsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: screamALEX
    ASL Info:    19/M/PA
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 40/93/49
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1163
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1674



    Description:
       No I have never seen or experienced this first hand, this is my take on it, and it's probably off by a lot.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDrugs, Alcohol, & Airbagsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Drugs, Alcohol, & Airbags

    Gonna call up the boys,
    cause you’re feeling dangerous tonight.
    Gonna do what you feel like,
    do whatever feels right.

    Take another swig of this,
    another hit of that.
    whatever’s passed up from the back.
    Your conscience isn’t in the car
    and your judgment was left at the door,
    but you’ve never felt more alert,
    you’ve never felt this way before.

    What if I were to say,
    the end of two lives,
    was but one car crash away.
    Would you still…
    act the same way,
    relive the same mistakes?

    Turn up the music,
    ‘cause it’s too quiet in here,
    driving takes too much effort,
    just let the alcohol steer.
    The speedometer reads seventy,
    but the sign says thirty-five,
    fuck it,
    after all,
    you’re a rebel tonight.

    What if I were to say,
    the end of two lives,
    was but one car crash away.
    Would you still…
    act the same way,
    relive the same mistakes?

    Waiting at the intersection,
    for the orange hand to disappear,
    watching cars pass by,
    cell phone pressed against her ear,
    making plans for tomorrow,
    but little did she know…
    God, I wish she could’ve known…

    Nothing’s quite as convincing,
    until you experience it first hand,
    the commercials on TV,
    are just one more thing said,
    the warnings on labels,
    mindlessly read,
    but little did you know…
    God, I wish you could’ve known.




    Submitted on 2007-10-24 23:46:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      your rhyming and sequencing is great mannnn!!! lol ive commented on quite a few of your pieces and ive noticed a running theme sort of throughout is your rhyming schemes. They're quite disjointed but in a very good way. You know the whole ABA CBC ABA CBC poetry business etc wen u used to study english at school? its almost like your applying it to your work without really realising that you are sort of? only instead of having your poems with a sharp ABA structure, your loosely using it and creating like a new type of rhyming scheme? I might be talking poo here. Sometimes i think into things a little too much. That mite not even be the case and I could just be frying your head now! haha but anyway, the drink driving poems that are well written always have great effect. this is one right here. well done

    Antoinette
    | Posted on 2009-02-11 00:00:00 | by freak_like_me | [ Reply to This ]
      Man,you're prtrsying the thngd that i feel right now man, im loving a rebel right now, but she's not into indie music rebel, she's a club disco rebel.Partyfreak kinda girl.Well I'v been rejected but still i have this feeling upon her, can i get another chance???Would she ever understand that she's the end of my search?Tell me man.O h yea h i recently post a same kind theme like yours today.
    | Posted on 2007-12-06 00:00:00 | by Soldier O_Tears | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW.
    Just, wow.

    This piece is really lyrical.
    Your rhymes aren't too contrived, which really works to keep your piece from becoming to childish...like a nursery rhyme or something. And the fact that there isn't a strict rhyming scheme makes the piece feel more natural and flow better.

    I also like the conversational aspect, just like one friend talking to another. The repetition of "What if I were to say" really emphasizes this. And the ending, "God, I wish you could’ve known," as well. I could feel the pain of one friend just regretting another's mistake.

    Just one thing that is totally personal preference, but I think I would like the title better as "Drugs, Alcohol, Airbags" or "Drugs, Alcohol, and Airbags." Tears are used too much in poetry, and I don't think you need to say "tears" to know that the narrator is grieving. Also, have you ever heard the "magic of threes" in writing? Whenever you make a list or describe something, putting down three things just sounds good...so if you think of two examples think of another one, if you have four you might want to take one away. It's not a strict rule or anything but it's true for me, when I see something in threes it just feels better (but then again three is my favourite number so I'm a bit biased.)

    All in all...this piece just makes me want to go through all your pieces and read forever. Good job.

    Keep on keeping on,
    TRAVWELL!

    PS: I think you commented on my poetry a LOOOONG time ago and I never got to reply because I haven't been on this site in pretty much over a year. So I just have to thank you for that. Thanks.
    | Posted on 2007-11-22 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this. the beginning just brought be in and, like Alessio said, had a certain lyrical rhythm to it. I actually scrolled up to see if it was lyrics or not. anyway. The imagery and description in this piece are phenomenal.

    "just let the alcohol steer."

    that line just hit me. with a "Wow! I love this." I actually said that outloud. anyway.

    I love this. it's brilliant. I actually just went back and found out that the girl waiting at the intersection was walking. that makes the orange hand make more sense. I had been confused about that. alright. I'm done.

    Awesome job.

    -Sandi
    | Posted on 2007-10-25 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really lyrical. You did perfect with the rhythm and there was like a...verse chorus verse chorus break down type thing going. I liked it a lot.
    | Posted on 2007-10-25 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]
      the sentiment of this piece is well concieved but i think it is hard to take seriously in some places... specially in the beginning with the swig and hit etc. i think the last two stanzas are better in that you are not trying to put yourself in the shoes of the driver or the person killed.

    it is true though that alcohol and drugs and driving dont mix at all and yet while one is under their influence they do not realise how dangerous this is.

    there is an ad campaign here that says "if you drink and drive you are a bl00dy idiot" and just recently they have started one that states "if you stop a drunk driver youre a bl00dy legend" which i think is cool because it is more a comunal responsibility to make our roads safe...

    the line that strikes me through all of this piece is 'i wish you couldve known'
    hind sight is a wonderful thing and i am sure there are a million things we would all do differently... a friend of mine [who was sposed to be the sober driver] got into a car driven by his drunk girlfriend and was killed when she wrapped it round a pole... she got 2 and a half years in prison for that but im sure that was nothing compared to the way she beats herself up daily for her actions...

    so yeah. not a fan of the start of this but i think the last two stanzas have got something going for them.
    | Posted on 2007-10-25 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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