Poem Doctor by albery rinash

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Submission Name: Poem Doctor dots

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Author:	albery rinash
ASL Info:	18/M/USA
Elite Ratio:	8 - 86/40/22
Words:	136

Class/Type:	Poetry/Comedy
Total Views:	648
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1082

Description:
It'd be a high-paying profession. Comments and suggestions please! Would you be able to understand the poem without the bracketed [character names]? If yes, then I can remove them, because I feel they're unnecessary.

Poem Doctor dots

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[Patient]
Poem Doctor, Poem Doctor,
Help me pretty please!
Wake my Muse from hibernation!
Please, I'm on my knees!

[Poem Doctor]
Come now, prepare to pay my fees, and
Then I'll share my expertise!

[Patient]
Have, my bloody nights gold-minted,
Dollared stupors thought-induced.
Take, my plastic day-dreams sealed, and
Pickle my parietal lobe.
Here, my sweat in paper-cents, my
Hopes to have a decent job.

[Poem Doctor]
Ah, a terrible disease!
Catching mental freeze!
Mounting worser by degrees,
It's an atrocious disease!
Snort two peas,
Bath in grease,
Prance like collared Pekingese,
Sing the anthem when you sneeze,
Give my ducks a spongy squeeze,
Harbor fleas, and kiss Louise,
Shave drunk bees and slay Burmese,
Forth and prune some Gaulish cheese!
Now: conduct steadfast reprise!

(Sorry,
there're no guarantees.)

Submitted on 2007-10-26 00:17:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  oh i absolutely delight in this! there's such humor and mirth and enough quirk to keep me reading this over and over again and to come back for weeks to come! truly!

i dont find it silly at all. well, because it is somewhat silly in the first place that i like it. i do relish in the absurd. it keeps me from losing my sanity. you cant be too serious all the time y'know, you'll hate yourself in the end. and people who write pieces like this have something that no "serious" writer has; fun. and boy did i have fun reading this! as im sure you did when you wrote it.

i have a little tip, see if it works...

if you take a look at a certain user whom you may not or already know (www.eliteskills.com/u/rws), his recent works have been a dialog driven lot. and he employs a simple technique and uses it FULL effect, and you wouldnt need character names or indicators (you already have a titular character anyway, so there is a slight redundancy there). the first speaker, is in normal text, while the second is italicized give that a spin. see how it looks.... ie:

Poem Doctor, Poem Doctor,
Help me pretty please!
Wake my Muse from hibernation!
Please, I'm on my knees!

Come now, prepare to pay my fees, and
Then I'll share my expertise!

...ad infinitum.

dont let the tight asses tell you what to do though. including me. writing is supposed to be fun and is tantamount. expressing a bit of humor is difficult. comedy is divine and is probably one of the most taxing genres there is.

peace.
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm... I am very confused. First off, you have two characters here, and you should treat them as such. Even a simple quotation for one of the characters would be a good start.

The only thing that I got from this piece is "Look to everything for inspiration." Am I right?

If this is not the intention, then the fourth stanza is completely random and should be removed and replaced with something different. Randomness does not work in this piece; at least, not how you have it.

(Now please note that this is purely if this was not your intention. If it was, it works fine, but there could be some improvements here.)

I got a small kick out of the "(Sorry, there's no guarantees)", but that was really the only thing I liked here.

And just a little bit of a side note, there is a poem doctor - it's called an editor. :)

----------------------
Not the best in the world, but not the worst either. There are a few interesting things going on here.

To the previous critique: Before resorting to random comments, try to write something that *makes sense* (of course, nothing in this world *really* makes sense).

And if worse comes to worse, post it as a journal. I'm sure people can offer you some ideas through that!

Have a good day,
Cirruculum (TK)
| Posted on 2007-10-26 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
  This guy sounds like a quack! Not even the weirdest poets would take this silly advice...well, there's always some stupid people who would do anything to be cured...

But you wouldn't have me as a patient! You're nuts!

Interesting, especially when you used all the "-eese" rhymes. Unfortunately, I find it actually too silly and rather forced. Random humour takes some skill.

So, yeah...I think this piece needs some work. I didn't really connect with it or laugh at it...

Your days as a poem doctor are numbered.

Malpractice! :-)
| Posted on 2007-10-26 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]

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