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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: winterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stasisindarknes
    ASL Info:    15/f/vt
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 23/28/27
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 77
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 754



    Description:
       definitely not my best work, but advice would be much appreciated because i intend to enter it into a contest and it needs alot of editing before that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswinterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The snow descends slowly from the sky,
    Reminding me of the cold whites of your eyes.
    Incessant, insidious.
    The silence creeps inertly through the trees,
    Making its home ringing in my ears.

    A cold chill spreads from my toes up my spine,
    And I tighten my jacket around forlorn shoulders.
    Fallacious, inevitable.
    One numb foot steps in front of the other,
    The ground crunches beneath me like linen sheets.

    But as I look up towards the sky,
    I feel each cold snowflake land gently on my face.
    The sharp cold is not disturbing, but comforting,
    I am alive.
    And I continue my journey though the colorless wonderland.
    Hopeful, serene.




    Submitted on 2007-10-26 12:13:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      That's so pretty. The descriptions/imagery is fantastic. I didn't even notice that there's no rhyme scheme, which is good because I'm usually aware of those things, but I don't like to be. It seems more natural this way.

    The only constructive criticism I have would be to eliminate the first "the" from line one, and the first "the" from line four. And maybe replace some of the "cold"s with synonyms for cold (like icy, frozen, ect).

    But those are just my suggestions since you're looking for advice. Figured I'd share.
    Other than that, I wouldn't change anything. I really enjoyed this.

    Winter is the worst time of year. I mean, I love it's cold air (which I always say makes me feel alive), but the season itself just gives me a disgusting feeling of emptiness... probably because it reminds me of the cold whites of someone's eyes. But hey, what can you do?

    Very nicely done.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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