10:00 P.M. and you left to get milk
4:00 A.M. and you returned empty handed
Why did you shower before coming to bed?
Did you think it would wash away
The scent of your other lover?
You yelled and screamed for days
Telling of my shortcomings and faults and
Of your superiority and saintly sacrifices
Then sweetly kiss and hold me tight
As you pick my pockets
You thought you had me
Wrapped around your finger
Until you left to get some more milk
And your key no longer fit the lock
You drained my soul - bled my heart dry
Your saintly sacrifices were lies dripping
From the knife pulled from my back
And even as your prints were lifted
You pointed your finger elsewhere
I let you in to my world for awhile
Betrayed by your nicely wrapped package
But I knew I had used goods
And I owe you for the lesson learned
But not for this eternal mistrust
This is excellent, Lisa! Sadly, some of life's lessons include being betrayed. But, every hurt builds our strength and character, and makes us in the long run a better, wiser person. I can't help but think that the cheaters do themselves far more damage in the long run than they do to others; imagine how impossible it would be for them to trust someone else, and without trust, life becomes very bleak, loveless, and threatening!
This is very good work... Having felt that betrayal myself, the pain expressed in this piece is all consuming. You conveyed it very realistically and you mastered the task of getting your reader involved and making us feel how you feel. I commend you on a job very well done.
I really want to call this 'lovely', since that's the world I use for almost everything, but it would just be wrong, given the context.
I will say, however, that this is impressive. It reads like a conversation, or a letter left on the doorstep after all the locks have been changed and the shutters drawn down so no one can see inside. There's a very honest feel to it which I really like. You know what happened, you know the feelings involved, you know the outcome.
Well, the table is f*cked beyond repair. He managed to rip the leg off. He's so cute, but abnormally strong.
Anyway, on to my comment...
I really enjoyed this, although I almost feel like I shouldn't have because of the circumstances it was inspired by. It's so sad, but the best poems usually come from one type of tragedy or another.
"10:00 P.M. and you left to get milk
4:00 A.M. and you returned empty handed"
I like how you showed the time difference there. A six hour trip to the store to buy... nothing? Very suspicious. I would be pissed the f*ck off.
"Why did you shower before coming to bed?
Did you think it would wash away
The scent of your other lover?"
Yes, they always seem to think that. It doesn't though. Maybe physically, but metaphorically... the stench just gets stronger.
"You yelled and screamed for days"
Why can't people just TALK... like humans? Everyone seems to yell these days although they can be easily heard by speaking at a reasonable volume. I hate it.
"saintly sacrifices"
That sounds really pretty.
"Then sweetly kiss and hold me tight
As you pick my pockets"
I like how that starts out nice... but really isn't. Interesting twist, but not too surprising.
"You thought you had me
Wrapped around your finger
Until you left to get some more milk
And your key no longer fit the lock"
Haha. I must admit, that made me laugh. Not enough people are strong enough to do that.
"You drained my soul - bled my heart dry"
Oo Soul-draining. I like it (of course). Good stuff.
Hmm... This part reminds me of a song that says, "I gave up long ago, painting love with crimson flow. Ran out of blood and hope, so I paint you no more."
Very very nice.
"Your saintly sacrifices were lies dripping
From the knife pulled from my back"
I love those lines. In fact, I don't even know what to say about them. Too perfect for commentary.
"And even as your prints were lifted
You pointed your finger elsewhere"
That makes me think of foggy handprints on glass. Wonderfully descriptive metaphor.
"I let you in to my world for awhile
Betrayed by your nicely wrapped package"
Some things look so gorgeous from the outside, but it's usually nothing more than an illusion.
"And I owe you for the lesson learned
But not for this eternal mistrust"
That is a perfect ending.
I rarely regret anything because, bad or good, it's a life/learning experience.
So basically, my point is... I love every word of this.
I don't think I can relate to it though.
My ex-boyfriend (who is probably in prison now) cheated on me, but I couldn't have cared less because I hated him anyway. Haha. We didn't have a good relationship. He liked to sell crack and shoot at people, whereas... I did not.
I love how you acknowledge the fact that it was a painful experience but at the same time, it doesn't own the words. And how you turned your knowledge of what he was doing back to him. My favorite lines throughout were probably..
"But I knew I had used goods
And I owe you for the lesson learned
But not for this eternal mistrust"
Because there is strength, and there is also bitterness, and you allowed yourself to learn from it. The beauty of venting!
No, but it certainly fit someone else's. Huh... what an [censored].
I have to go clean the mess my dog made (he was in a bad mood this morning and broke a table and everything on it), but I'll be back to finish my comment later (along with a message or two ). I just wanted to stop by and read this first.
i must applaud this piece and say well done. It's a beautiful piece of writing and really touched me because i've been in that kind of similar situation and wish i could portray the emotions it gives me the way you have done. definetly a fav!
Submission Name: Damaged Goods
