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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Heavens weepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Linzi
    ASL Info:    24.f.wales
    Elite Ratio:    5.91 - 80/100/94
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 680



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Heavens weepdots
    -------------------------------------------




    The Heavens weep...

    As the whirling winds rip the world from its axis.
    A spinning sphere amongst the stars of infinity
    Like a bottled bulletin that floats adrift.
    The thunderous bolts of zealous Zeus
    And the bacillus bombs of hubris man

    CLASH!!!

    The roars of war rage on
    As Achilles and Hercules fight to the death,
    And the four horsemen of the apocalypse
    Steal the souls of the many onlookers,
    Until the eleventh stroke to Achilles' heel
    Sends the earth to silence.

    And still the Heavens weep.




    Submitted on 2007-10-28 10:56:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Oh, and I also think that this line is questionable:

    Until the eleventh stroke to Achilles heal

    Is it possible that the heal there is a typo and that it should really be heel with an apostrophe after Achilles?

    Until the eleventh stroke to Achilles' heel

    If not, then it is definately a grammatical error that should be changed from heal to heals.

    I'm sorry for being too nit-picky. I, myself, am greatly unpolished when it comes to grammer and spelling due to carelessness. Chances are, I have yet to prove myself worthy of being too overly critical with such pieces. But then again, this is a site where we are supposed to make better writers out of each other, so, I can help but be irritable and question everything.

    Anyway, goodluck with this piece.
    | Posted on 2007-10-29 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that the use of "CLASH" was a very powerful element to use. It gave a thunderous poetic blow that practically simplified the vastness of your writing's claim. It also generates a strong sense of violence. And ultimately, it established the fact that you were willing to fling your arms as much as they can be flung in this piece.

    I've always believed that, for pieces like this, you could either be subtle or you could go all out. A writer can never show a sign of second guessing and I think that you took that philiosophy pretty well.

    I do have some issues though.

    If your trying to discuss how a mass amount of punishment leaves "heaven" unsatisfied, then I think you are in the right track and should simply change the "while" of line 2 to "so" or something with a similar meaning.

    The Heavens weep,
    so the whirling winds rip the world from its axis.


    But, if you are trying to discuss how heaven weeps for the sufferings here on Earth, then I am a bit concerned. Primarily my problem with it comes from your construction. You began the piece with "The Heavens weep" followed by a number of highly colorful imageries that basically set the mood of something apocalyptic, tragic and ultimately violent intentions. But then you ended it with "and still the heavens weep" as if saying that those events were supposed to make heaven "stop with its weeping." To remedy this, I think you should change the last line to something like...

    while the Heavens continue to weep or something.

    But then again, maybe I'm just being overly critical.

    Anyway, I think that this is a solid piece. It has strength and the necessary amount of grace to translate that strength into a think of flambouyant beauty.
    | Posted on 2007-10-29 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem, in its epicness, strikes me as rivaling John Milton's poems.

    I liked the alliteration in the pieces, because it appears natural and blithe (bottled bulleting,zealous Zeus, for eg.). The use of the word "bacillus" was stimulating. I muse that "bacillus bombs" might mean lightning.

    One mote of a query: By "bulleting" did you intend "bulletin", or is it a neologism?

    You are in effect agglomerating the Christian(4 Horsemen) and the Greek mythologies. Unfortunately, I am not so well versed in any of these: what do you mean by "eleventh stroke" and "hubris man"? Could you explain the semiotics of the rest of the poem?( and then I could give more constructive feedback.)

    Overall, a whopping poem.
    | Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      this is almost like a really quick overveiw of greek mythology [or roman... i can never remember lol... same god/different name = confusion for this girl lol]

    and still the heavens weep
    its almost as if this line plunges the whole mythology into the present... to keep it alive... to show the reader that it isnt dead and gone history but still somehow active in the way the world functions today... thats an interesting presentation.

    i enjoyed your CLASH
    i think the effect was wonderful because it wasnt expected and to see it was like woah!!
    the reality of war i guess... something could break out at any time...

    well done
    | Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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