Description: Uhm. Long story short, me and my girlfriend had a very very meaningful time in a church late at night and uh... Well, this is my best at retelling that story. The event means a lot to me, but dont be deterred from criticizing it, I want to improve this piece.
I appologise for the "Night Before Christmas" rhythm in advance... Suggestions?
Heartbeat of Mortality -------------------------------------------
Sitting off center in the safe haven
Praying for a guide, a feeling, a whim
A few tears ran from my confused eyes
Then you walked through the door
A little surprised
You came past the pews through the darkness that night
You came to the steps and into the limelight
It came to my attention that my tears were no good
And I wiped them away as fast as I could
You crawled into my arms and we held each other tight
It was cold; it was dark but we clung to the light
I prayed for the sands to stop and dawn never come
But a moan from your mouth silenced my hums
Hot tears splashed my leg and you quickly explained
There was something new in the air unordained
A heartbeat shows mortality and fear just the same
But in listening to mine, this was not what came
My heartbeat was a particular note,
'Cause it didn’t remind you of mortalities hoax.
Shivers were sent through my spine, I won’t lie
Was this what she asked for? A feeling; a guide?
A smile graced my lips and our bodies were warmed
I looked into your eyes and I was reborn
A link so deep only one person could have primed
He was watching over us in the house of divine
Sitting off center in a sanctuary within
We prayed for each other, our guides; our grins
A few tears ran from our indulgent eyes
As we walked out the door
A little surprised
I thought this piece was sweet and heartfelt, something that I am sure meant quite a bit to you and your sweetheart. I think you did a fairly good job at making this piece reach out to an audience, and if I were you I would keep this for years and years until one day you can show it to children or grandchildren
at my old church i had a night or two like this. not with a boyfriend but with a close friend all the same.
i like the way the surprise changes from the beginning to the end of the piece. the initial surprise being hers at your tears and the closing surprise being that god knew where both of you were at and made sure neither of you were alone.
im not sure whether i like 'silenced silent hums'
i think you could replace one of the silent words...
Submission Name: Heartbeat of Mortality 
