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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love's a Game I want to Forgetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poet09
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 157/162/122
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 578



    Description:
       feedback on what ever you feel is needed critiques the whole shebang and thnx for your comments


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove's a Game I want to Forgetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A game that no one likes to play
    Going from day to day wondering why are things this way
    It is time for life to play its part
    Why play games with my heart

    I will not speak
    I will not think
    I am going to just let my heart sink

    Put past things away in the dust
    It was once I wanted to earn YOUR trust
    Family and friends especially get in the way
    There is nothing more for me to say

    I wish you the best in all you do
    My love is always here and never forget be true to you




    Submitted on 2007-10-29 10:49:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm sorry to say but some of it didn't make that much sense. If i could maybe make some changes this is how I could go about it:

    A game that no one likes to play
    Going [on] wondering why are things this way
    It is time for life to play its part
    Why play games with my heart

    I will not speak
    [add another line in here thats rhymes]
    I will not think
    I am going to just let my heart sink

    Put past things away in the dust
    It was once I wanted to earn [your] trust
    Family and friends especially get in the way
    There is nothing more for me to say

    I wish you the best in all you do
    My love is always here and never forget be true to you [doesn't make sense- try- My love is always here for you]

    Just some constructive critizism to ponder on. Just make if your going to use a rhyme scheme, keep it going throughout the whole poem. Keep up the good word.

    | Posted on 2007-10-30 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]


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