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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the greatest proof reader that ever lived.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: freeradical
    ASL Info:    22/feline/london
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 311/405/63
    Words: 187
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 1249
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1170



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe greatest proof reader that ever lived.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    i will be the greatest proof reader that ever lived-
    simply to edit you out of my life.
    wash your mouth from my coffee mugs,
    bleach your skin from my sheets
    carefully eradicate every inch of your touch
    from my skin.
    i know that tomorrow will show his smirk
    watching me wake up alone,
    wash my face,
    clothe my insecurities,
    turn the key in the door
    much as you turned the key in my heart
    if one wishes to be completely cliché about it.
    i will walk down the front stairs of my apartment building
    and open the door.
    check my mail.
    readjust my scarf.
    all without you to hold my coffee-
    such a strange sort of freedom.

    i scrubbed your kiss from my shoulder last night
    damn near to the bone.
    so why is it that i still feel you on me?
    are you that deeply buried within my very skeleton-
    more mingled than any child could ever make us.

    i will give birth to our demise,
    and rip you from myself.
    (from proof reading to eighty proof)

    forgetting punctation all together




    Submitted on 2007-10-29 16:28:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hm... It seems like you're in a [censored]ed-up relationship, much like I am. When there's only skin and flesh holding two people together the soul struggles. Try to find something more. Someone that understands YOU not just an average lover...
    | Posted on 2007-12-09 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      much as you turned the key in my heart
    if one wishes to be completely cliché about it.

    this part made me smile because i find i can say the most insulting things and if i tack on 'in the nicest possible way' somehow the whole insult part is missed so i have had the satisfaction of saying it and not the consequence that ought to follow... same principle here... use a cliché and then dismiss it by saying if one were to be cliché this is what they would say and so now you havent really said a cliché at all...

    the greatest proof reader that ever lived...

    he still being a damn punk huh?
    i like the play on proof reader being editing out but also reading of alcohol bottles. that was well done and may not be picked up by all [though i should hope it would be]

    to edit someone out of your life is a whole lot harder than youd expect. makes me think of the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind in some ways.

    solid piece here doll.
    hope things are okay with you
    | Posted on 2007-10-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch.

    ...

    At first, I thought this was going to be another clichéd breakup poem. But you've packed it with such intensity and originality of thought, it's about as far from cliché as is possible. So props on that.

    I love the last bit:
    "more mingled than any child could ever make us.

    "i will give birth to our demise,
    and rip you from myself.
    (from proof reading to eighty proof) << (I especially like this line)

    "forgetting punctation all together"

    ...And:

    "clothe my insecurities"

    That's a great line. We clothe ourselves in cloth and hide what we hate, or we take on a false front and pretend there's nothing to be insecure about... But it's a great line... Perhaps whoever this is about tore you down in some evil way. Or maybe this event just made you feel terrible like that... There's more to be uncertain about than just your body, but lovers mess things up inside and outside and around... So yeah... Can't get over that line. It's got meanings : )

    I'd quote more of it, but I'd probably get too repetitive, and to be honest there's very little I don't like about this.

    There are a few cleaning sort of things that I could mention, but I think this piece works being imperfect (especially with that last line and that you didn't capitalize, etc). The one thing I would suggest is changing lines 4 and 6 so that they don't both have "skin" in them. It makes it somewhat halting and awkward to read... Maybe:

    "Bleach your {body} from my sheets,
    Carefully eradicate every inch of your touch
    from my skin."

    But either way, it's up to you. And of course "body" isn't the only possible substitution. But it gives it the littlest bit of alliteration which is a personal favorite, though not necessary.

    Hopefully you're doing okay.

    And thanks for the piece.

    Rachel
    | Posted on 2007-10-29 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]


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