Torture by bonita2689

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Torture dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	bonita2689
ASL Info:	18/f/in
Elite Ratio:	3.86 - 42/58/33
Words:	87

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	85
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	625

Description:
this is me playing with words

Torture

-------------------------------------------

I want to play invisible strangers
And hide our hearts from real-live dangers
Close our eyes to whizzing busy
Traffic chaos and perilous, dizzy

Miles erased make me sparkle
You know my gaze is nearly charcoal
Time will tell its crazy measure slant
Picture perfect and completely distant

Dreams and love bigger than notes
changing your tune, watch me explode
Fairytales and autumn magic
discount love and kisses like plastic

You want to play needles and erasers
sparky words and needless changes

Submitted on 2007-10-30 13:25:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
the first two stanzas were dizzyingly wonderful. i really adore what you have done and the way you have played with words and rhyme and meter... stunning.

the first line of the third stanza seems to long and clanky to me following on from the second stanza and that threw the piece out for me.
im also not a fan of the last two stanzas because theyre not as dizzy or fast paced or fun as the first two. it is as if you remembered "oh hey... i actually wanna say this..." and so force it into the piece and it just doesnt seem like it works to me.
there has to be a better, more subtle way of fitting this person you write of into the piece and the feelings and emotions that go with it.

try to rewrite the 'ill die every day' line.
i know what you are trying to say but that sounds so angsty it brings the whole piece down. the end needs to be as strong and vibrant as the beginning.
so have fun and fiddle round with it and make this a masterpiece
| Posted on 2007-10-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

151891

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]