A tiny poem for the happy by Tradia

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Submission Name: A tiny poem for the happy dots

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Author:	Tradia
ASL Info:	17/F
Elite Ratio:	3.02 - 13/28/26
Words:	89

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	151
Average Vote:	4.5000
Bytes:	678

Description:

A tiny poem for the happy dots

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Shall we catch sunlight
will we dance with the rays?
like little sprites
in a summer night

Shall we run trough memories
shall we live in dreams
have we forgotten
how to sleep?

Are our glories
exagerated
and our sorrows
demeaned?

Shall we catch sunlight
between the lilies
and the flickering
marigolds

Shall we hear the wind
and hope
and dream
perhaps even live

Shall we dance
let us dance
among the lilies
and the rays
of sunlight gone'
and sunlight to come

Submitted on 2007-10-30 14:34:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Shall we run [trough] memories = through

this is happy.
one rarely reads anything happy on here.

im wondering why the whole piece is questions though. shall we is an interesting question because it gives the reader a chance to say no... no i dont want to run and frollick and dance. im not sure but i would think that less questions would be better because i know if i am bombarded with questions one after another i just switch off and hardly answer them at all...

you need to think more about punctuation. there are a whole lot more questions than there are question marks and there are no commas to be found. punctuation would definitly pull this piece in at the edges and make the words frollick so that the reader cannot help but want to dance.

but really. i like the way end encompasses all the questions so youre kinda answering them but not really...

id love for you to give this a different name...
| Posted on 2007-10-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree w/Daisy.
It is almost pixie-ish.
There are really fun and serious bones to this piece. I think you could prune it down to have an even greater impact on the reader. As well, I would either punctuate the entire piece or not at all. You could re-think the 'Shall' here too. Not that I don't like repetition (I use it all the time) but maybe in S2:

Shall we run trough memories
live in dreams
have we forgotten
how to sleep

just thoughts really.? And I didn't punctuate... (can't help ya there).

All in all... I really do like the message. Dancing is good for the soul!!

| Posted on 2007-10-30 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
  Now I want to dance outside with the grass beneath my bare feet, dew seeping through my toes. Happy imagery indeed.

~ Daisy x
| Posted on 2007-10-30 00:00:00 | by Drowning Daisy | [ Reply to This ]

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